Top Ten Things You ll Never Hear from your

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear from your Consultant • You're right; we're billing way too much for this. • Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value-added". • How about paying us based on the success of the project? • This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read. • Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do. • I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that. • Implementation? I only care about writing long reports. • I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department. • The problem is, you have too much work for too few people. • Everything looks okay to me. You really don't need me.

BUSINESS MODELS • The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. • Invoices travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques • Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

SKILLS COMPARATORS AND COMPETENCES • A doctor is talking to his car mechanic, "Do you realise that your hourly rate is over twice what we get paid for medical care? " • "Yeah, but think of it this way, Doc. You only have two models that haven't changed since Adam and Eve. But every month we need to learn the latest systems! Come to think of it Doc you and me we are alike you operate on people I operate on machines. You get some one with a heart problem you can operate and take out his heart and fix him up. I get a machine that will not run and I can take out the distributor and fix him up. Very much the same you and me. " • The Doc looked at the mechanic and replied, "Try it with the motor running. "

• TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. • REAL CAPITALISM You would like two cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.

LIFE _WORK BALANCE • A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was hopping up and down with rage, complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. • "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!" he shrieked. • "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" • "Oh no. . " replied the lawyer, looking down and noticing for the first time the bloody stump where his left arm had once been. "Where's my Rolex? ? ? "

Prison vs. Work • In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle. • In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one. • In prison you get time off for good behaviour. At work you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work. • In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. • In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games. • In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained. • In prison you get your own loot. At work you have to share.

Prison vs. Work • In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends. • In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. • At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners. • In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars. • In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of. • In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have bad managers.