The Second Draft David Norton English for Academic

The Second Draft David Norton English for Academic Purposes

Part One LOWER ORDER CONCERNS (LOC) (THE LITTLE THINGS)

Do you see what I see? 1. He always watches TV where a lot of advertising of alcohol and tobacco. • He always watches TV where there is a lot of advertising of alcohol and tobacco. • existential THERE

Do you see what I see? 2. A person who is deprived of reason, the coordination and the speech by alcohol can only be compared with an animal state. • A PERSON who is deprived of reason, the COORDINATION and the speech by alcohol can only be compared with an animal state. • PERSON = COORDINATION • ALCOHOL SPEAKS • The speech of alcohol can be compared to the state of an animal? 2. A drunk/ heavily intoxicated person who is deprived of reason, the coordination and the clear? speech by alcohol can only be compared with to an animal state.

Do you see what I see? 3. Each year from alcohol dies a lot of people in the world. • Each year from alcohol DIE a lot of people in the world. • Each year a lot of people in the world from alcohol die. • Each year a lot of people in the world die from alcohol • SVO -> Subject-Verb-Object • People Die from alcohol (prep. P in VP)

Do you see what I see? 4. They want to try it, then they are addictive and they are dependable on cigarettes or alcohol. • They want to try it, then they are addicted and they are dependent on cigarettes or alcohol. • They want to try it, then they get addicted and soon they are dependent on cigarettes or alcohol. (style? )

Do you see what I see? 5. From my point of view, I totally agree with this statement, because it is one of the best choices that can help people to reduce the consumption of drinking and smoking and their impact to children. • …it is one of the best choices that can help people to reduce the consumption of drinking and smoking and their impact ON children. • …it is one of the best choices that can TO help people to reduce the consumption of drinking and smoking and their impact ON children.

Do you see what I see? 6. Suffer from this problem as the whole country as well as individual families and individuals. • The whole country, as well as individual families and individuals, suffer from this problem. • S-V-O S(country+) V(suffer) +O(Prep. P in. VP)

Do you see what I see? 7. The consequences of bad influence of alcohol and tobacco advertisings are obvious proved. • article (art) • The consequences of THE bad influence of alcohol and tobacco advertisings are obvious proved. • collective/uncountable • The consequences of the bad influence of alcohol and tobacco advertisings are obvious proved. (advertisements) • Word Form (WF) • The consequences of the bad influence of alcohol and tobacco advertisings are obvious. LY proved/ obvious proved.

Do you see what I see? 8. The first is a bad influence for kids, teenager. • conjunction • The first is a bad influence for kids AND teenager. • singular/plural • The first is a bad influence for kids and teenager. S.

Do you see what I see? 9. Why people don’t protest against other advertising (for example, new chemicals) advertized in them. • spelling (sp) OR ? ? • Why people don’t protest against other advertising (for example, ads for new chemicals) adverti. Sed in them. • word order (WO) (sub-aux inversion) • Why DON’T PEOPLE protest against other advertising (for example, ads for new chemicals) advertised in them.

Do you see what I see? 10. Many studies show that teens who are advertised to more alcohol or tobacco are more likely to drink and to smoke • Sentence Structure or Wrong Word (WW) • Many studies show that teens who see more advertisements for to more alcohol or AND tobacco are more likely to drink and to smoke • Many studies show that teens who are advertised exposed to more alcohol or tobacco advertising are more likely to drink and to smoke

Part Two USING SUPPORT

Using Support 11. I believe it is necessary to ban alcohol and tobacco advertising, because alcohol and cigarettes kill people. When I was in school, we were taught about the dangers of alcohol and tobacco. This talk I will remember for a lifetime, because the doctor told us what happens to our bodies in the use of cigarettes and alcohol. We were shown pictures and video, from which we were shocked. Each year from alcohol dies a lot of people in the world. We should not advertise what is killing us. Of course, we cannot immediately ban all advertising, but the government may impose some restrictions • When I was in school, we were taught about the dangers of alcohol and tobacco. This talk I will remember for a lifetime, because the doctor told us what happens to our bodies in the use of cigarettes and alcohol. We were shown pictures and video, from which we were shocked… support (anectdote) • . . Each year from alcohol dies a lot of people in the world. We should not advertise what is killing us. analysis (relating it back to thesis) • Of course, we cannot immediately ban all advertising, but the government may impose some restrictions concluding sentence…restrictions? Leaves the reader wanting more…

Using Support 12. The first is a bad influence for kids, teenager. WHO writes, “Recent studies prove that the more young people are exposed to tobacco advertising, the more likely they are to start smoking. Despite this, only 5% of the world’s population is covered by comprehensive bans on tobacco advertising, promotion, and sponsorship. ” The children are a significant layer in the society. This category is the most vulnerable because of the lack of experience. The young people are susceptible to the suggestion. Besides, the young people have the illusion that smoking is a sign of maturity, “adult” person. It creates stereotypes when I smoke, means I’m an adult.

Using Support • The first is a bad influence for kids, teenager. Topic Sentence • WHO writes, “Recent studies prove that the more young people are exposed to tobacco advertising, the more likely they are to start smoking. Despite this, only 5% of the world’s population is covered by comprehensive bans on tobacco advertising, promotion, and sponsorship. ” support • Too Long – the support makes two points • 1) the younger people are when exposed, the more likely they will start • 2) only 5% of the world has bans on advertising • Does it match the topic sentence? Choose a short bit of information that shows the “bad influence on kids” • According to the World Health Organization, “Recent studies prove that the more young people are exposed to tobacco advertising, the more likely they are to start smoking. Despite this, only 5% of the world’s population is covered by comprehensive bans on tobacco advertising, promotion, and sponsorship. ”

Using Support • The first is a bad influence for kids, teenager. According to the World Health Organization, “Recent studies prove that the more young people are exposed to tobacco advertising, the more likely they are to start smoking. Needs analysis The children are a significant layer in the society. This category is the most vulnerable because of the lack of experience. The young people are susceptible to the suggestion. Besides, the young people have the illusion that smoking is a sign of maturity, “adult” person. It creates stereotypes when I smoke, means I’m an adult. (no ‘besides’ – stay with the topic!) • The first is a bad influence for kids, teenager. According to the World Health Organization, “Recent studies prove that the more young people are exposed to tobacco advertising, the more likely they are to start smoking. So, advertising tobacco around young people is a dangerous proposition, because young people are susceptible to the suggestion.

Using Support • The first is a bad influence for kids, teenager. According to the World Health Organization, “Recent studies prove that the more young people are exposed to tobacco advertising, the more likely they are to start smoking. So, advertising tobacco around young people is a dangerous proposition, because young people are susceptible to the suggestion. • needs a concluding sentence • So, advertising tobacco around young people is a dangerous proposition, because young people are susceptible to the suggestion. Thus, we must ban all advertising of alcohol and tobacco before young people fall victim to the dangerous attraction of these vices.

Using Support • In many cases alcohol and tobacco can lead to death. Advertisements of alcohol and tobacco misrepresent the facts of these harmful products. People think that alcohol makes them feel better and that tobacco makes them calm when they feel nervous. We can see such situations in many advertisements on TV, magazines, movies, and other places. They show modern and stylish it. But it is not true. “Drinking led to a release of endorphins in all those taking part. The more endorphins released in the nucleus accumbens, the greater the feelings of pleasure reported by each drinker. ” You can get depression, anxiety, and very awful people don’t understand that they can kill somebody if they are drunk. But advertisement doesn’t show these sides of alcohol and tobacco. It is all lie, people must know true.

Using Support • In many cases alcohol and tobacco can lead to death. Advertisements of alcohol and tobacco misrepresent the facts of these harmful products. People think that alcohol makes them feel better and that tobacco makes them calm when they feel nervous. We can see such situations in many advertisements on TV, magazines, movies, and other places. They show modern and stylish it. But it is not true. • Explaining the Topic Sentence

Using Support • In many cases alcohol and tobacco can lead to death. Advertisements of alcohol and tobacco misrepresent the facts of these harmful products. People think that alcohol makes them feel better and that tobacco makes them calm when they feel nervous. But it is not true. “Drinking led to a release of endorphins in all those taking part. The more endorphins released in the nucleus accumbens, the greater the feelings of pleasure reported by each drinker. ” support • support do does not MATCH the topic sentence • T. S. – A & T can lead to death, but ads misrepresent them • SUPPORT – In this study, drinkers felt better in their brains when they drank. • Needs support that says “Drinkers reported that they drank to feel better after they saw happy people drinking in commericals. ”

David’s symbols • • • art (article) prep (preposition WO (Word Order) WF (Word Form) WW (Wrong Word) WTF • • • (just kidding ) RO run-on frag (fragment) ^ something is missing an information (something extra)

Scores • • 12 5 17 16 19 0 18 12