The Journey to Wisdom From Pain to Peace

The Journey to Wisdom: From Pain to Peace Sponsored by: AWHONN – Oklahoma Section April 21 -22, 2005 Tulsa, OK Kathleen Brehony, Ph. D.

Suffering, Burnout, Stress and the High Cost of Caring What we can learn from life’s challenges? How we can reduce negative effects? How we can challenge the status quo? How can we commit to our own personal and professional growth?

Better or Bitter? The Phoenix

“The Gods have decreed that the ONLY true human path to wisdom is by way of suffering” Aeschylus, 6 th-century B. C. E. “The Father of Tragedy”

Mystics of all spiritual and wisdom traditions agree that suffering is the only key that opens the door to transformation of the soul and psyche. The process of Enlightenment is the “Dark Night of the Soul” – John of the Cross “Pain is a treasure for it contains mercies. ” “Spring seasons are hidden in the autumns. ” -- Rumi “Suffering is the swiftest steed that brings us to perfection. ” – Meister Eckhart

Buddhism’s First Noble Truth: Life is suffering: “The value of human life lies in the fact of suffering, for where there is no suffering, no consciousness of karmic bondage, there will be no power of attaining spiritual experience and thereby reaching the field of nondistinction. Unless we agree to suffer, we cannot be free of suffering. ” -- D. T. Suzuki, Zen Master

“When sufferings come upon him, man must utter thanks to God, for suffering draws man near unto the Holy One, blessed by He. ” – Rabbi Eleazar Ben Jacob (4 th Century)

“…Suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us. ” – Bible, Romans 5: 3 -5

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved. ” – Helen Keller

“Seeing much, suffering much, and studying much are three pillars of learning. ” – Benjamin Disraeli

“The ultimate measure of man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. ” -- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

“What does not destroy me, makes me stronger. ” -- Friedrich Nietzsche

ns! sso r ta o n h. N O !N o the o ne o f li o s le fe’

Optimal Frustration occurs when an infant attains a challenging goal in a nurturing environment Heinz Kohut, 1970’s NOTE: “Optimal” is the operative word here

Major Illusion: Things Don’t Change Most of us grow when life pushes us to do so What the heck is he talking about? ? !! You know what I’m going to do this weekend, honey? I’m going to grow.

It is not necessary nor desirable to romanticize suffering, but suffering is an inevitable part of life.

“I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. ” -- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Instead of learning through suffering, some people fall apart. Instead of growing, they become angry, jaded, self-pitying, pessimistic and closehearted – stuck forever in endless Sturm and Drang. What makes some people better – wiser, more compassionate, more joyful in life while others become bitter through suffering? A Central Question!

Compassion is a central spiritual value, and we’re not here to judge who deserves it and who doesn’t. It’s important to show kindness and patience to people who have become hard because they’ve suffered. We have a responsibility to help.

Mark O’Brien – Breathing Lessons NO SURRENDER A Defiant WRITER concedes only what he must to the iron lung that sustains and confines him

Expansion of Consciousness

Buddhist Teaching Story explains consciousness: I Am Awake! “Buddhism begins with a man who shook off the daze, the doze, the dream-like inchoateness of ordinary awareness. It begins with the man who woke up. ” – Huston Smith

What Does It Mean to be Conscious? Ø From the Latin conscius, meaning “knowing with others, participating in knowledge, or aware of. ” Ø Includes all the things we are aware of and know Ø An understanding of “knowing that we know” Ø Sometimes builds slowly and sometimes comes like a blinding insight Ø Awakening Ø A dynamic process of growth, change, and evolution Ø Consciousness best defined on a spectrum or continuum rather than “all or none”

Consciousness is best thought of as manifesting in steps, layers, dimensions, sheaths, levels or grades -- Holarchy Vijnanas -- Buddhism Koshas - Vedanta Layers of consciousness -Jung Sefiroth Kabbalah Spectrum of Consciousness – Western philosophers (e. g. , Ken Wilber)

The Expansion of Consciousness Leads to: The Search for Meaning Frankl chose “to be worthy of suffering” – as Dostoyevski had once written – and rise above his outward fate, by making inner, conscious decisions about how he would respond to his circumstances. “Once an individual’s search for meaning is successful, it not only renders him happy but also gives him the capability to cope with suffering. ” -- Viktor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning

Real Suffering Cannot be Avoided “Real suffering is an authentic and realistic response to the ragged wounds of living a human life. It’s also unavoidable and an essential part of every human life. Illness, loss of loved ones, disappointment, decline, death, limitations, and imperfections startle and shake us. But they awaken us to find meaning, dignity, and significance in our lives. They open the heart to pure compassion and newfound creative energy. Real suffering is useful. It propels us to new levels of consciousness and self-knowledge. It is through suffering and pain that we break down our habitual barriers between ourselves and others and allow for the entrance of a transpersonal, transcendent perspective: a full appreciation of our intimate and profound spiritual connections. ” -From “After the Darkest Hour” pg. 21

Neurotic Suffering Can Be Avoided Neurotic suffering offers no meaning. Jung called it “an unconscious fraud, ” declared it bogus and with no moral merit. Neurotic suffering is a flight from the wounds of life and an unconscious – and unsuccessful – attempt to heal them. Neurotic suffering is a refusal to discover the meaning in our pain through a childish insistence that things should be as we want them to be and not as they are. It is expressed as self-pity and envy toward people whose lives seem better or less difficult. -- From “After the Darkest Hour” pg. 22

To Jung, neurosis itself must be understood, ultimately, as the “suffering of a soul which has not discovered its meaning. ”

Real versus Neurotic Suffering “Real suffering burns clean; neurotic suffering creates more and more soot. ” -- Marion Woodman (Author and Jungian Analyst)

Real suffering is required for psychological and spiritual maturation. Without it, one would remain unconscious, infantile, and dependent. It demands questions: Ø Who am I? Ø What is my purpose here? Ø Where do I find meaning in my life? Ø What is my relationship to God or some higher, transpersonal power?

These questions prompt an initiation on the journey to the Self Ego Self The ego has believed that everything revolves around it. Wrong!

What is the “Self”? Jung – The archetype of wholeness and the regulating center of the psyche; a transpersonal power that transcends the ego; the ‘God’ within us. Buddhism – the anatma (the “not self”) Hinduism – the Atman (the “Supreme Self” and the vital principal that is identical to the Absolute) Gospel of Thomas – “The Kingdom is inside you. ”

The Self Symbols of the Self: The ideal of completion, integration, and perfection – abound in religious and wisdom traditions throughout time. The perfected Self is seen in the images of Buddha, Christ, Adam, the Cabalistic Tree of Life, the diamond in the lotus, mandalas, yantras, and the gods of pantheons too numerous to list.

The Path to the Self

Teleological Process toward the Self

Michelangelo

The path of individuation: seek meaning rather than happiness “He who has a why to live can bear with almost any how. ” -- Viktor Frankl

On the True Nature of Reality Or The Absolute Truth About Life

The Wheel of Life

Dante, Inferno “No mortal power may stay her spinning wheel. The nations rise and fall by her decree. None may foresee where she will set her heel: She passes and things pass. Man’s mortal reason cannot encompass her. She rules her sphere As the other gods rule theirs. Season by season her changes change her changes endlessly, and those whose turn has come press on her so, she must be swift by hard necessity. ”

The Consolation of Philosophy (De consolatione philosophiae) Anicius Manlius Severinus Boethius (480 -524 C. E. )

Our modern world offers both the mindset and the pharamacology to diminish feelings that other generations may have used to initiate a personal journey of growth and change.

The Latin root of the word “Suffering” means “to experience” or “to allow. ” This is not the view of our modern world that wants to forego all suffering before it’s meaning can be understood.

Ø Sales of Prozac alone account for more than $2 billion dollars a year – one of the world’s most popular drugs. Ø Prescriptions for anti-depressants have tripled since 1996 as hundreds of thousands of people turn to pills to cope with life. Ø More than 1 million US children take an antidepressant – up 60% from the mid-1990’s

Ø Approximately one fifth (20. 5 percent) of persons aged 12 or older participated in binge drinking at least once in the 30 days prior to the (2001) survey. Although the number of current drinkers increased between 2000 and 2001, the number of those reporting binge drinking did not change significantly. Ø Heavy drinking was reported by 5. 7 percent of the population aged 12 or older, or 12. 9 million people. Source: US Department of HHS

Ø The National Institute on Drug Abuse's 2003 Monitoring the Future survey of 8 th, 10 th, and 12 th graders found that 10. 5 percent of 12 th graders reported using Vicodin for non-medical reasons and 4. 5 percent of 12 th graders reported using Oxy. Contin without a prescription. Ø Each year, drug and alcohol abuse contributes to the death of more than 120, 000 Americans. Drugs and alcohol cost taxpayers more than $294 billion annually in preventable health care costs, extra law enforcement, auto crashes, crime and lost productivity.

Holding the Tension of the Opposites: Between the alleviation of suffering and honoring the circumambulating path of individuation

Life gives us magic And life gives us tragedy Everyone suffers some loss. Still we have faith in it Childlike hope. There’s a reason that outweighs the cost. -- From “The Color of Roses” by Beth Nielsen Chapman All rights reserved.

We are not alone! Suffering is a universal human experience.

Everyone’s life is a drama The Story of Kisagotami “God sends rain on the righteous and unrighteous alike. ” -- Matthew 5: 45

Perspectives on suffering in the Judeo. Christian view are reflected in the Old Testament Book of Job Invented and Engraved by William Blake - 1825

Job is a successful man with every bounty life can bestow – still he is God-loving, “blameless and upright. ”

Satan goes before throne of God – “Big Deal!” It’s easy for Job to love God and be “blameless and upright” when he’s got it made!

Job’s loses his property and his children: seven sons and three daughters are killed

Messengers tell Job of his misfortunes

Satan goes forth from the presence of the Lord

Satan smites Job with boils

Job’s Comforters – they see that his suffering is great

Job’s Despair: “Let the day perish wherein I was born!”

A spirit appears to Job – “Shall mortal man be more just than God? ”

The Just, Upright man is laughed to scorn and rebuked by his friends

Job suffers with nightmares

The Wrath of Elihu

God answers Job out of a whirlwind

God shows Job all that he has created – Could you have made the stars? How about “Let there by light? ”

…And how about this behemoth and leviathan that I made?

The fall of Satan

The Vision of God

Job prays for his friends

Everyone also gave him a piece of money

Job and his daughters

God blesses Job more than at the beginning

Issues raised in the Book of Job Ø Why me? Ø “If you suffer, it must be because you have done something to deserve it. ” Ø A conversation and personal relationship with God results for Job. Ø The Book of Job as a Story of the Self. Ø We may never understand why good people suffer, but in the process of breaking down – his “dark night of the soul” – Job learns that he can only live with the paradox, experience the mystery.

Positive Thought for the Day: If you only live long enough, you will lose everything.

Existence it seems is, “living our lives saying goodbye. ” – Rainer Maria Rilke

Everyone suffers Suffering can be the force that knocks out our illusionary beliefs about life and thrusts us toward new consciousness about ourselves and the true nature of reality

The Vitality of Transformation Ø Like Buddha -- We Are Awake Ø Realize the values of the first half of life are not sufficient for the second half Ø Change in philosophy and worldview Ø Psychological and spiritual maturity Ø Coming to our senses Ø Live differently – with greater joy, meaning, and passion

Buddhism’s First Noble Truth “Life is Suffering. ” Accurate Translation: Life is dukkha. Dissatisfaction, discontent, dislocated

A Few True Things 1. Change is the natural order of the universe 2. Change always incorporates loss 3. We cannot control all the events of our lives but we can control our responses to them 4. There are hidden gifts in suffering

Many Spiritual and Wisdom Traditions teach the importance of knowing that change is inevitable and the natural course of the Universe… Hello!!! Is anyone listening? !!!

Change is the Natural Order of the Universe This existence of ours is as transient as autumn clouds. To watch the birth and death of beings is like looking at the movements of a dance. A lifetime is like a flash of lightning in the sky, Rushing by, like a torrent down a steep mountain.

“No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man – Nothing endures but change. ” -- Heraclitus

Navajo Sand Painting of Father Sky and Changing Woman – Changing Woman represents the Earth and the Seasons of Life Changing Woman represents the cyclical path of the seasons [nináhágháhígíí], birth (spring); maturing (summer); growing old (fall); and dying (winter), only to be reborn again in the spring.

Sand Mandala “Mandala” is the Sanskrit word for “Circle” and this image is a symbol of the Universe and its Energy. Tibetan monks create these archetypal templates in sand to remind us of the cycle of life and death.

“All true things must change and only that which changes remains true. ” -- Carl Jung, “The Nature and Activity of the Psyche”

Twelfth Century Europe

Western Esoteric Tradition

…Even Pat Sajak and Vanna White have tried to teach us this point! Sony Pictures Television

Our false and illusionary belief in permanence is the “rickety foundation” upon which most of us construct our lives.

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. -- Zen Proverb

All Change incorporates Loss even those changes we deem to be good and to our advantage.

We cannot determine the events of our life, but we can determine our responses to them.

Meaning is found in the fact that human beings are self-determining. Although we cannot always change the fact that terrible things will happen to us, we have every power to respond to those painful events in our lives. We do not simply exist but have the intrinsic authority – this “last of human freedoms” – to decide what our existence will be, what we will become in the next moment. “We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a hopeless situation, when facing a fate that cannot be changed. ” – Viktor Frankl

Gifts Hidden in Suffering Or Turning Lead Into Gold “God does not want us to be burdened because of sorrows and tempests that happen in our lives, because it has always been so before miracles happen. ” -- Julian of Norwich, 14 th Century Mystic “It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. ” -- Joseph Campbell

The Alchemical Metaphor “We are born to be awake, not to be asleep!” -- Paracelsus, 16 th Century Swiss Alchemist

The Power of Alchemy “The truth of alchemy is discovered when we accept it as metaphor – an intricate allegory – for consciousness and as a clearly defined path for both spiritual and psychological development in which suffering and loss are seen as initiating events. ” From: After the Darkest Hour

Stages in Transforming Lead Into Gold Ø Nigredo: “The Blackening” Ø Albedo: “The Whitening” Ø Rubedo: “The Reddening”

Another Image – The Chrysalis “Sacrifice” from the Latin “sacrificium” – means the forfeiting of something of importance in the service of receiving something of even greater value. Literally means, “to make holy. ”

How prepared are you for the inevitabilities of a human life? Ø Uneven Playing Fields Ø Straw Houses Ø Illusions

The Problem with Straw Houses

Overflowing Glass Stress, suffering, pain, hard times, challenges How full is your glass?

Principles of Deductive Logic A specific conclusion will be accepted based on one or more premises. If the premises are true, then the conclusion must also be true. Thus, if A (a general statement) is true and B(a specific statement) is true, then C (the conclusion)must also be true. Yada, yada.

Deductive Reasoning Syllogism A. All normal dogs are born with one head and four legs. (General Statement) B. Dorothy is a normal dog. (Specific Statement) C. Dorothy has one head and four legs. (Conclusion) Hey, that’s true!

Typical Syllogism That Leads to Self-Imposed Suffering Premise A**: I am worthless, stupid, and will never amount to anything. (General) Premise B: I failed my exam. (Specific) Conclusion C: I truly am worthless and stupid. I’ll never amount to anything. **Premises based on one’s history, experience, belief system, worldview etc.

Psst. Here’s the BIG SECRET! Negative Self-Image Leads to Suffering Because… The unconscious cannot differentiate between false versus true premises as it draws all of its conclusions by way of deductive logic syllogisms.

Ways You Can Tell You Are Adding to Your Suffering Through Negative Self-Image and Negative Self-Talk Ø “That’s just the way I am. ” Ø “I could never do that well. ” Ø “People like me can’t ______ (be successful, change, overcome obstacles, learn to tap dance, fill in your own “can’t”). Ø Any number of Self-Fulfilling Prophecies.

To hold onto Self-Injurious Scripts or to Manage Our Lives in Ways that determine that we will suffer in the future – is like a train wreck waiting to happen.

Commonly-Held Illusions and Suffering Ø Life is fair. Ø I’m immune from Life’s realities. Ø I’m in total control. I create my life. Ø If something bad happens to me, I must have done something to deserve it.

How can we move beyond mere resiliency and grow through our suffering?

Characteristics of Resilient People Ø Insight (includes Sensing, Knowing & Understanding Ø Independence (includes Distance and Separating) Ø Relationships (includes Recruiting and Attaching) Ø Initiative (includes Problem Solving and Generating) Ø Creativity and Humor (includes Creative Thinking, Creating to Express Feelings and Humor) Ø Morality (includes Valuing and Helping Others) Ø General Resilience (includes Persistence and Flexibility)

“Deep, unspeakable suffering may well be called a baptism, a regeneration, the initiation into a new state. ” -- George Eliot, Adam Bede “Life as we have known it is now over. ” – Marion Woodman “There is a pain so ‘utter’. ” -- Emily Dickenson

Beyond Resiliency “Resiliency” from the Latin resilire – “to spring back. ”

The Hero’s Journey “We have only to follow the thread of the hero path, and where we had thought to find an abomination, we shall find a god. And where we had thought to slay another, we shall slay ourselves. Where we thought to travel outward, we will come to the center of our own existence. And where we had thought to be alone, we will be with all the world. ” -- Joseph Campbell, The Power of Myth

Stages of the Hero’s Journey The Call The Separation The Adventure The Return (Hero is ALWAYS changed)

“There are only two or three human stories and they go on repeating themselves as fiercely as if they never happened before. ” -- Willa Cather, O Pioneers! The story of the Hero is “the only one worth telling. ” “For the heroes of all time have gone before us. The labyrinth is thoroughly known. ” -- Joseph Campbell

Here’s what the Hero’s Journey means in Hollywood – in Three Acts: Act I Get the Hero up a tree. Act II Throw rocks at him. Act III Get him down. Quiet on the set! Action!

“Life is filled with Defining Moments. Cancer is one of mine. ” Robert Urich 1946 -2002

Loss, Change, Suffering act as the Call or Initiation to the Hero’s Journey. They can be “Wake-Up Calls. ”

Luck, Destiny & Free Will

August 9, 1945, 11: 02 AM An Atomic Bomb (“Fat Boy”) was dropped on the Japanese city of Nagasaki, but the original target was the city of Kokura. Clouds covered Kokura that day and the bomb could not be dropped there.

The Three Fates or Moerae decide the inescapable destiny of men and Gods alike. Lachesis – The Lot Giver Klotho – The Spinner Atropos – The Inflexible

Three Fates: Job Descriptions Clotho was the spinner, Lachesis was the drawer of lots, and Atropos represented the inevitable end to life. In time, the somewhat vague idea of three goddesses who supervised the spinning of human fate evolved into a more concrete concept. The Fates came to be identified as a trio of older females who handled the threads of human life. One of these threads was allocated to every person, and each goddess took her turn in manipulating this thread. Clotho selected the thread, Lachesis measured it, and Atropos cut this thread to signify the end of a person's existence.

Are we entirely bound by the inevitable, inescapable vagaries of the gods? The Sophists, Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, and Heraclitus disagreed with the idea of the “The Fates”

“A man’s character is his fate. ” -- Heraclitus “Men at some time are masters of their fates: The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves. ” -- William Shakespeare (Julius Caesar) “Character is our destiny. ” -- Novalis (German poet)

The 3 rd-Century neo-Platonic philosopher Plotinus endorsed the idea that the soul selects everything about our life before we are born. Hmm. I think I’ve already forgotten what I agreed to up there!

An ancient Jewish legend speaks to how we have forgotten the soul’s prenatal choices about the events we will encounter in life. The story says that the truth is pressed right into your upper lip. That little indentation below your nose is all that’s left to remind you of your pre-existent soul life. That’s why, it is said, when we conjure up a lost thought or an insight, our finger naturally moves to that significant dent. This is, according to the tale, where the angel pressed its forefinger to seal your lips.

This idea that we have ultimately selected our life experiences, while rich in metaphysical implications, can bring us to the slippery slope that people create ALL of their own fate, all of their own suffering. A dangerous viewpoint.

Destiny and Free Will are engaged in an intimate and subtle dance.

“When the cards are dealt and you pick up your hand, that is determinism; there’s nothing you can do except to play it out for whatever it may be worth. And the way you play your hand is free will. ” -- Jawaharlal Nehru

Good Luck? Bad Luck? Who Knows? “Do you have the patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving till the right action arises by itself? ” -- Tao te Ching

“Where there is good, there must be bad; the transition from one to the other is truly like turning over one’s hand. ” -- Lu Wang, 12 th Century Chinese Philosopher

How lovely! Through the torn paper screen The Milky Way Haiku by Issa

Locus of Control (A Continuum) Internal External Locus of Control Free Will Vs. Destiny

Learned Helplessness – the failure to avoid or escape from an unpleasant or aversive stimulus that occurs as a result of previous exposure to unavoidable painful stimuli.

Learned Helplessness has been observed in dogs, rats, mice, cats, monkeys and even Walleyed Pike!

On Elephants and Fleas

Rowing AND Flowing The Middle Way

The Middle Way Gautama Siddhartha th Century, B. C. E. 6 “Impermanent are all created things; Strive on with awareness. ”

Jung’s Transcendent Function A psychic function that arises from holding the tension of the opposites.

In all dualities, the wise strive to “hold the tension of the opposites” to integrate and balance opposing forces.

The Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change things I can; and Wisdom to know the difference.

Pray to God, but row for the shore! Russian Proverb

The Path With Heart “Look at every path closely and deliberately. Then ask yourself and yourself alone question…Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good. If it doesn’t, it is of no use. ” -- Don Juan, Yaqui sorcerer

Ways We Add to Suffering Ø Resistance to change Ø Expectation that life is always fair Ø The illusion of egoism (separateness) Ø Failure to take responsibility for responses Ø Ruminative suffering Ø Failure of compassion Ø Unconscious approach to life

What can each of us learn that will brace us for our next inevitable bout with suffering? How can we best respond to life’s difficulties and heartbreaks in ways that will help us grow?

Two True Things 1. Everyone suffers 2. Suffering can be the force that knocks out our illusionary beliefs about life and thrusts us toward new consciousness about ourselves and the true nature of reality

12 Strategies For Growing Through Suffering

#1 Discover a Larger Perspective The Eagle Nebula – 7 Million Light Years Away

Some Ways of Discovering a Larger Perspective Ø Explore religious & spiritual traditions Ø Read about your own tradition Ø Take classes in philosophy, metaphysics or other disciplines Ø Investigate your family genealogy Ø Look to nature Ø Write down or sketch your thoughts and reflections

Sand Water All alone I came into this world All alone I will someday die Solid stone is just sand water, baby Sand water and a million years gone by Words and Music by Beth Nielsen Chapman. All rights reserved.

#2 Turn Toward Compassion and Help Others Ø Look at the things you say to yourself when you’re in pain Ø Find a voice that expresses compassion to others AND to yourself Ø Fuel your compassion with action – Volunteer

Be Aware that “Compassion Fatigue” Affects Body. Mind. Spirit Some Symptoms of this “Care-Giving Shutdown” Ø Fatigue Ø Joylessness Ø Pessimism Ø Social Withdrawal Ø Uninterested in intimacy or sex Ø Concentration Difficulties Ø Irritability Ø Depression Ø Physical Symptoms and Illness Ø Feeling like you’re “just going through the motions” – lack of passion or meaning Ø Negative Coping Behaviors – Substance Abuse, “Soft Addictions”

“Illumined Selfishness” – Healthy Self-Care Ø Nurture Body. Mind. Spirit Ø Physical Regimen to Deal with Stress Ø Quiet Time for Reflection, Prayer, Meditation, Solitude Ø Creative Activities Ø Social Support – Talk About It! Ø Spiritual Support Ø Optimism Ø Humor Ø Approach NOT Avoidance Ø Cognitive Reframing Caregivers often think we are the “Energizer Bunny” and can keep going and going – This is a dangerous belief!

S-O-R Model of Stress = Demand Exceeds Capacity Stimulus Organism = Stressors Response

Four-Stage Stress Management Model Identify (Physical, Cognitive, Behavioral) Implement Plan Analyze Develop Plan

#3 Recognize and Stop Self-Imposed Suffering Ø Listen to the wake-up calls about the things you do in your life Ø Look honestly at your feelings about yourself Ø Surround yourself with good company and lovingly avoid negative people Ø Forgive yourself Ø Change your inner self-talk Ø Don’t set perfectionistic goals Ø Celebrate your strengths and achievements

Gravel in Your Knee Can Hurt for a Lifetime

We see the world through “transparent templates” which we create and then attempt to fit over our realities. We use these personal constructs to predict the things to come. This worldview causes unnecessary suffering. “You are not the victim of your autobiography. But you may become the victim of the way you interpret your autobiography. ” -- George Kelly, American Psychologist

Negative anticipations of our present and future (based on uneven playing fields, past trauma, etc. ) is what Viktor Frankl referred to as the “expectation of dysfunction” and what psychologist George Kelly called, “being prisoners of our biographies. ” It is an extremely selflimiting point of view and adds to unnecessary suffering.

Ø Holding on to a Negative Self. Image and Negative Self-Talk Ø Believing in Illusions Ø Avoiding fixing things that can and will lead to suffering

#4 Practice Mindfulness “Stay here, quivering with each moment, like a drop of mercury. ” -- Rumi

“Thursday” by William Carlos Williams I have had my dream – like others – And it has come to nothing, so that I remain now carelessly With feet planted on the ground And look up at the sky – Feeling my clothes about me, The weight of my body in my shoes, The rim of my hat, air passing in and out At my nose – and decide to dream no more.

“This afternoon, I have found quiet hours alone picking tomatoes. As my fingers find ripe tomatoes, red and firm, through the labyrinth of leaves, I am absorbed into the present. My garden asks nothing more of me than I am able to give. I pull tomatoes, gently placing them in the copper colander. Pulling tomatoes, pulling tomatoes. Some come easily. ” -- Terry Tempest Williams, Refuge

Practice Mindfulness Ø Practice daily meditation or pray Ø Read books about mindfulness Ø Tap into community support (e. g. , yoga or a spiritual community) Ø Find your unique path Ø Live in the present moment Ø Let yourself feel everything

#5 Grieve “We’re healed from suffering only by experiencing our grief to the full. ” -- Marcel Proust

“Grief” from the Latin gravis meaning “heavy” or burdened. ” “Bereavement” from reave means to be “dispossessed or robbed. ” “A divine and terrible radiance. ” – Victor Hugo “A pain so utter. ” – Emily Dickinson

Grieve Ø Recognize and acknowledge when you are grieving Ø Let yourself feel the pain Ø Sometimes find diversions Ø Express your sorrow, Talk about it Ø Forgive yourself Ø Take care of your physical self Ø Be aware of “anniversary reactions” Ø Get help if you need it Ø Help others through their grief

#6 Build Good Containers “No Soul is desolate so long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence. ” -- George Eliot “We are here to awaken from the illusion of our separateness. ” -- Thich Nhat Hanh

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

A Thousand Words for Snow

Become a Lake

Namaste and Aloha: Recognizing our deep and transcendent relationship to all beings

Containers Ø Shore up your connections in your family by frequent contact Ø Create a family from friends Ø Build your containers BEFORE you need them (Dig your well before you’re thirsty) Ø Be a good container to others in your life

#7 Count Your Blessings & Discover the Power of Optimism “No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the stars, or sailed to an uncharted land, or opened a new heaven to the human spirit. ” -- Helen Keller

“If the only prayer you said in your whole life was ‘Thank you, ’ it would be sufficient. ” -- Meister Eckhart

Optimistic versus Pessimistic Cognitions During Hard Times Optimistic Pessimistic Temporary Permanent Specific Pervasive External Personal Source: Martin Seligman, Learned Optimism

Blessings & Optimism Ø Always, and particularly during hard times, look around at the blessings in your life Ø Calm your mind through meditation, yoga, prayer, quiet time alone, and nature Ø Look at your own levels of optimism and pessimism. How do you rate yourself? Ø Share the blessings you have with others

#8 Find Courageous Role Models & The Hero Within “Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or it is nothing. ” -- Helen Keller

Role Models & The Inner Hero Ø Sit quietly and reflect on your heroes Ø Study to learn more about them Ø Write a story – how would your hero deal with your present challenge?

#9 Keep a Sense of Humor “Humor is a prelude to faith and laughter is the beginning of prayer. ” -- Reinhold Niebuhr

Humor Ø Don’t ever be afraid to step back from your suffering and laugh Ø Share your laughter with others

#10 Express Your Feelings “There is no grief like the grief which does not speak. ” -- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Express Yourself Ø Talk about your suffering with a friend, therapist, priest, minister, rabbi, imam, or chaplain Ø Listen to others when they need an ear Ø Express your suffering through art or ritual Process and the Story of the Chinese Potter

#11 Silence, Prayer & Meditation “There is nothing in all creation so like God as stillness. ” -- Meister Eckhart

Silence, Prayer & Meditation Ø Set aside time each day to meditate or pray Ø Read, practice and learn about the many types of meditation and prayer Ø Discover the joys of prayer and meditation with others through a place of worship or spiritual community Ø Learn to love silence Ø Ask your friends and family to keep you in their prayers

#12 Come to Your Life Like a Warrior “The difference between an ordinary person and a warrior, is that a warrior takes everything as a challenge while an ordinary man takes everything as either a blessing or a curse. ” -- Don Juan, Yaqui Sorcerer

The Search for Shambhala

The ABC’s of Living as a Warrior A Awareness B Bravery C Compassion D Discipline

Live Like a Warrior Ø Gently but honestly look at yourself and your life in relations to the four warrior characteristics. Where are you strong? Where do you need work? Ø Work out a specific plan to keep yourself physically, psychologically, and spiritually strong. Ø Every morning ask yourself one question: “What do I need to do today to take greater responsibility for my life and live with the passionate vitality of a warrior? ”

This being human is a guest house… “Open the door to your guest house. Say “yes” to all of your life. Choose to live joyfully even in your pain. Love yourself and everyone else. Be present always – alive to every moment. Grieve when you should, fight when you can, accept when you must. But above all, say yes. ” -- From “After the Darkest Hour” pg. 262

Thank you for coming and Godspeed on your journey Vocatus ataque non vocatus, Deus aderit. (“Called or not called, God will be there. ”) Kelly www. fullpotentialliving. com 252 -473 -4004 Kathleen and co-author Dorothy