The elephant and the fly n n n

The elephant and the fly n n n n n An elephant was standing and picking leaves from a tree. A small fly came, flying and buzzing(嗡嗡叫) near this ear. The elephant waved with his long ears. Then the fly came again, and the elephant waved it away once more. This was repeated several times. Then the elephant asked the fly, “Why are so restless and noisy? Why can’t you stay for a while in one place? ” The fly answered, “I am attracted to whatever I see, hear or smell. My five senses pull me constantly in all directions and I cannot resist them. What is your secret? How can you stay so calm and still? ” The elephant stopped eating and said, “My five senses do not rule my attention. Whatever I do, I get involved in it. Now that I am eating, I am completely absorbed in eating. In this way I can enjoy my food and chew it better. I rule and control my attention, and not the other way around so when you are in charge of your five senses and attention, your mind will become calm too. ” 【写作内容】 1. 以约 30个词概括短文的内容； 2. 然后以约 120个词就“专注”这一主题发表你的看法，并包括以下要点： (1) 看完故事后的感受及启发； (2) 描述一段你或他人受太多干扰的不愉快经历； (3) 你打算在高三最后两个月里，如何保持专注、专心。 1

What I appreciate is … n n n 1. Your capability of writing such a long passage 2. your good wording and proper topic sentences 3. good writers this time: 邓颖君， 李琛，卢杰祥，钱韵 媚， 禤倩丝，邓雯敏，何倩茹 2

Appreciation n n 页面清洁 字迹 整 结构完整 行文流畅 用词遣句到位 3

Appreciation n n 书写漂亮 结构完整 过渡流畅 句型得当 4

1. 以约 30个词概括短文的内容； Summary n n Key points: 1. be disturbed 2. the secret of keeping calm 3. senses and attention were focused 5

Summary （possible version） n n 1. be disturbed 2. the secret of keeping calm 3. senses and attention were focused An elephant was constantly disturbed by a restless fly, who wondered about the secret of remaining calm. The elephant revealed that calmness would be obtained when one’s (five) senses and attention were focused. 6

Body Main shortcomings q 1. spelling mistakes e. g. calm-clam， attention-attantion 2. person q 3. tenses q 7

How to make your compositions better Part I - comment and experience 8

以约 120个词就“专注”这一主题发表你 的看法，并包括以下要点： n n n n “专注” (1) 看完故事后的感受及启发； Person: “I”, “we” focus on (2) absorbed in … be 描述一段你或他人受太多干扰的不愉快经 历；Tense: the past tenses pay attention to … (3) 你打算在高三最后两个月里，如何保持专 concentrate … on …. 注、专心。 Person: “I” Tense: the future tenses 9

(1) 看完故事后的感受及启发； n Comments ? = feeling + reason touched inspired impressed disappointed appreciate … Lesson : what I / we learn from the passage Touching points The fly keeping disturbing Plot The elephant staying calm & sharing the secret 10

Sample 1 n Good comments on the passage above Feeling …………………………………. . . Reason …………………………………………………………………. . . . ……………. . 禤倩丝 11

How to comment n After reading the story, I can’t help doing …. / I think that …. / I regard… / I consider … n After reading the story, I am deeply touched/ inspired/ impressed/ moved by…/ because … 12

Sample 2 Not enough comments. I was deeply impressed because the elephant had such capability of keeping still and focused faced with disturbance from the fly. 梁嘉岚 13

Sample 3 n Not enough comments I can’t help feeling pity for the fly, who could not control his own senses and was easily distracted by others. 钱韵媚 14

How to comment ( positive/ negative) n After reading the story, I can’t help doing …. / I think that …. / I regard… / I consider … n A. After reading the story, I think that the elephant + positive views B. After reading the story, I think that the fly + negative views n Try it ! 15

How to comment ( positive) n n n After reading the story, I can’t help doing …. / I think that …. / I regard… / I consider … After reading the story, I think that the elephant + positive views After reading the story above, I appreciate how the elephant deal with the disturbance from the fly. He was so attentive that he paid full attention to doing one thing only, just enjoying his food. Therefore, it is concentration that is needed as long as we want to enjoy our own life better. 16

How to comment (negative) n After reading the story, I can’t help doing …. / I think that …. / I regard… / I consider … n After reading the story, I think that the fly + negative views n After reading the story, I can’t help feeling disappointed in the fly, who could not control his own senses and was easily distracted by the outside world. Undoubtedly, people like the fly will turn out to be losers. Thus, if we desire to succeed, our attention plays a key role. It is concentration that is needed as long as we would like to enjoy a better life. 17

n Positive n negative After reading the story above, I appreciate how the elephant deal with the disturbance from the fly. He was so attentive that he paid full attention to doing one thing only, just enjoying his food. Therefore, it is concentration that is needed as long as we want to enjoy our own life better. After reading the story, I can’t help feeling disappointed in the fly, who could not control his own senses and was easily distracted by the outside world. Undoubtedly, people like the fly will turn out to be losers. Thus, if we desire to succeed, our attention plays a key role. It is concentration that is needed as long as we would like to enjoy a better life. 18

(1)看完故事后的感受及启发; Transition 过渡 (2)描述一段你或他人受太多干扰的不愉 快经历 n We need a suitable topic sentence. 19

(2)描述一段你或他人受太多干扰的不愉快经历 n Good stories should be … q q q Only necessary information should be included. All good stories have lively, memorable characters. You need to attract the reader to participate in the experiences of the character(s). 20

Your experience should include… n n Who was there and what were they doing? What unexpected event happened? What happened next? Did it have a happy or sad ending? 21

Sample 1 Good topic sentence Unexpected event Who & what Next A sad ending 钱韵媚 22

Sample 2 n n I was preparing for an exam. An unexpected event happened Disturbance happened next I had a bad ending Not lively 李健芬 23

Sample 2 Tips: adverbs and transition phrases After reading the story, I can’t help remembering a of being disturbed similar experience that happened to me. One day, I was getting ready for exams and reviewing knowledge at home. suddenly I was about to review knowledge when some people played What’s worse, a basketball nearby. And some children played a game, singing and laughing. I was disturbed annoyed. I couldn’t crazily remember a word or sentence. (李健芬) 24

Sample 3 VERY GOOD topic sentence who 何倩茹 -Who was there and what were they doing? -What unexpected event happened? -What happened next? -Did it have a happy or sad ending? 25

n n Sample 3 VERY GOOD topic sentence As for me, I used to have a similar experience as the elephant, who was interrupted by others for many times. It was a day I spent with my little brother. He was so young that felt excited about whatever he saw, he felt and even the things he listened to. He asked me everything in the house, such as the television, the computer and the book which I was reading, again and again. What he did interrupted my reading as well as annoyed me. (何倩茹) 26

n n Sample 3 Not lively As for me, I used to have a similar experience as the elephant, who was interrupted by others for many times. It was a day I spent with my little brother. He was so young that felt excited about whatever he saw, he felt and even the things he listened to. He asked me everything in the house, such as the television, the computer and the book which I was reading, again and again. What he did interrupted my reading as well as annoyed me. (何倩茹) Tips: proper sentence patterns As for me, I used to have a similar experience as the elephant, who was interrupted by others for many times. It was a day when I planned to enjoy reading but my little brother was eager to stay with me. He was so young and curious about whatever he saw that he kept asking me about everything in the house, like the television, and even the book I was reading. As a result, I was as busy as a bee answering his strange questions and had to bear his noise for a whole day. What he did interrupted my reading as well as annoyed me. 27

To make a better compositions with comment and experience feeling & reason necessary information & lively plot and character adverbs, phrases & sentence structures 28

Hope for your better compositions ! 29