The College Disease Guide Created by Scott Teigland Resident Assistant at Carroll University
The College Disease Guide I have assembled a list of the most common diseases I have noticed that are affecting college kids across the country. I have put together this list in hopes of helping to cure all of these diseases. My expertise as an RA has helped me to establish a list of the diseases, their symptoms, prevention, and treatment for all of the diseases mentioned. If you have any questions regarding these diseases please seek immediate assistance for clarification. I promise if your follow the prevention and treatment steps any symptoms you have will be cured!!!
Broke-Assness Symptoms You can sit on your wallet and not know its there Someone could steal your wallet and your only worry is losing a condom and picture of your grandma Prevention Don’t exceed credit limits Always tell your mom you love her Keep and eye on who is in your room Treatment Get you a J. O. B. so you can be I. N. D. E. P. E. N. D. E. N. T. Cut up you credit cards
The Munchies Symptoms Extreme fiscal loss to the nearest vending machine Extreme hunger for weird foods EX: 3 bags of cheetos, 47 pizza rolls, 3 liters of soda Prevention Don’t smoke illegal substances Treatment Same as above
WFD (Wet Floor Disorder) Symptoms All electronic devices no longer work Dry bed is now water bed Books are no longer readable Prevention Don’t hang things from the water pipes Don’t smoke in the room Treatment One really LARGE bill from housing department All new personal property paid for by YOU
Burglaritis Symptoms Your stuff is no longer yours You see someone listening to what used to be your IPOD Prevention Lock your doors Don’t show off expensive items Don’t lend out your keys Report lost keys IMEDIATELY Treatment Cry to your parents Call insurance agent Buy new stuff (expensive) Report to Public Safety(542 -7300)
“Stuck-Butt” Symptoms Wet butt You find yourself sitting at a peculiar, lower position on the toilet Public embarrassment Prevention Check to make sure the toilet seat is down Put the seat back down if you are scared to pee at a urinal Treatment Dry off your bottom
Hangover Symptoms Memory loss Head ache Dehydration Awkward mornings Vomit Loss of teeth Prevention DON’T GET DRUNK Treatment See above prevention
Drunkensia Symptoms Slurred speech, stupid decisions, vomiting, incoherent speech, vomiting, not so stable balance, vomiting, puking, blow chunks, and random narcolepsy (see picture) Prevention DON’T GET DRUNK Treatment Same as above
Sexually Transmitted Diseases Symptoms Burning urination, red bumps, green puss, warts in the wrong places Prevention If she looks nasty… she’s nasty Wear a condom Just say no to unsafe sex Don’t have intoxicated sex Treatment Seek medical assistance, some are curable by antibiotics
Anti-Academia Symptoms Papers with and “F” at the top and your name isn’t Frank Missing 8: 00 classes Upset parents Academic probation Repeating classes Prevention Don’t party more than you study Treatment Study a little each day, but take breaks Get a tutor, go to the learning commons, seek the Walter Young Center Study with friends in a group
Reverse Attentiveness Symptoms Falling asleep in class Late night video game sessions You know every song on every Rock Band game You dream about C. O. D, W. O. W, DDR or any other acronymed video game Prevention Play video games as a break from studying, don’t study as a break from video games Treatment Destroy all video games systems
“Bumpty” Symptoms You look like what you did at 3 am when you were sleeping PJs in the class room Unbrushed hair or teeth Prevention Have friends who care about you Care about yourself Treatment Pay close attention to the 3 S’s - s***, shower, and shave Buy and tooth brush and use it Wake up 15 minutes earlier
Cluelessness Symptoms The only news anchors you know are Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert Your computer homepage is facebook Your parents can know what you have done for the last 24 hours and they haven’t talked to you in 3 weeks You have no classes before 8 am or after 2 pm or on Wednesday or Friday You believe no one else in the world can text while driving better than you. Also, that no one else should be allowed to talk on the phone while driving, but you Prevention There is none Treatment Grow up and be boring
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