Parenting With Style Mara J. Briere Debbie Weinstock-Savoy 3/19/2018 1
What’s Your Style? l In this series, we invite you to pick up some new tools for effectively relating with your loved one. l You will learn a language to communicate more effectively with others. l Anyone familiar with the Myers-Briggs Personality Indicator? 3/19/2018 2
A Unique Window on Parenting Style Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) is the World's most widely used personality inventory for 40+ years l Used in career counseling, management, education, marital counseling, etc. l Developed in 1940's by mother-daughter team, Kathryn Briggs & Isabel Myers l Based on theories of psychologist Carl Jung l Identifies preferences in how we experience & interact with the world (from birth, like right- and left-handedness) l 3/19/2018 3
Parenting Style l Family Situation l Child Personality and Temperament l Parent Personality and Temperament 3/19/2018 4
Parenting Factors to Ponder Parent Style: Unique and Develops over time Parenting with our style: More confident More effective Appreciate each style: Each style helps children grow. We develop "less preferred" abilities as we mature Our Upbringing 3/19/2018 5
Other factors to ponder: Interaction between parent & child styles: What pushes your buttons? Which of child's needs can you meet directly? Which needs can you meet indirectly, through experience with other people & situations? 3/19/2018 6
The Four Dimensions: Keys to the Language What energizes you? Extraversion: Focus on the outer world Introversion: Focus on inner life How do you prefer to gather information? Sensing: Emphasize tangible Intuiting: Emphasize potential How do you prefer to make decisions? Thinking: Idea-centered values Feeling: Person-centered values What’s your preferred life-style orientation? Judging: Prefer structure Perceiving: Go with the flow 3/19/2018 7
What’s Your Style? Where do you prefer to get your energy & focus your attention? I………………. *………. ……………. E Introvert focus on inner world 3/19/2018 Extravert focus on outer world 8
Energy Flow Extravert (E) Introvert (I) % of Population 50% Characteristics l l l l Active; think “out loud” Outward Breadth of interest Sociable Expressive Many People Live it, then understand it l l l l Reflective Inward Depth of interest Reserved Quiet Few Privacy Understand it, then live it Extraverts focus energy outward 3/19/2018 Introverts focus energy inward 9
Introverts prefer l l l think before speaking wait & watch before getting involved thoughtful, private, reserved concentrate on 1 person/activity at a time prefer depth: life's specialists energized by introspection Child: Reflective, introspective. Enjoys time alone, 1 -to-1. Adult gifts: Encourage autonomy and engage the inner life. 3/19/2018 10
Extraverts prefer l l l l Think out loud Jump into new activities Expressive, open, enthusiastic Like variety: " the more the merrier“ Prefer breadth: Life's generalists Energized by interaction Child: Engaging, sociable. Thinks "out loud, " enjoys activity. Adult gifts: Help child with people and activities 3/19/2018 11
What’s Your Style? Which perceiving process do you prefer? S………………. …. *……. . …………. N Sensor Physical senses Here & now Details 3/19/2018 Intuitive See patterns Make connections “Big picture" 12
Perceiving Process of Gathering Information Sensor (S) Intuitive (N) % of Population ~75% ~25% Characteristics l l Sensing individuals take in information with their 5 senses Intuitives evaluate information from an overall “ 6 th” sense 3/19/2018 l l l Details Present tense Practical Perspiration Actual Down-to-earth Sequential; one step at a time Fact Enjoyment Conserve l l l l l Patterns Future tense Imaginative Inspiration Possible Head-in-clouds Random Innovation Anticipation Change 13
Sensors prefer l l l l l Realistic & practical Notice details & remember facts See what is & the present Trust past experience: prefer the familiar Like examples & models to follow Want clear, step-by-step directions Work at a steady pace Accept things as they are Prefer realistic toys & real-life activities Enjoy games with established rules Child: Hands-on, literal. Works one step at a time. Adult gifts: Attend to physical care & teach common sense. 3/19/2018 14
Intuitives prefer l l l l l Imaginative & creative Notice anything new or different See possibilities & the future Trust creativity: prefer novelty Like new ways of solving problems Make assumptions based on hunches Work with bursts of energy Interested in how things could be Prefer open-ended activities & toys Enjoy make-believe play Child: Dreamy, enthusiastic. Works in bursts of creative energy. Adult gifts: Encourage imagination & innovation. 3/19/2018 15
What’s Your Style? Which judgment process do you prefer? T………………. *……………. F Thinker Feeler Objective Logical 3/19/2018 Subjective People-centered 16
Judgment Process of Decision Making Judgment Process Thinkers (T) Feelers (F) Gender Bias M 60% F 40% M 40% F 60% Objective l Principles l Justice l Head l Cool l Impersonal l Critique l Analyze l Precise l Characteristics All humans use both judgment processes, thinking and feeling, when making decisions. Thinkers give more credence to logic & facts, and feelers give more credence to subjective values & relationships. 3/19/2018 l Subjective l Values l Harmony l Heart l Caring l Personal l Appreciate l Empathize l Persuasive 17
Thinkers prefer l l l l Most convinced by logic Objective & analytical Want justice & fairness Speak directly, honestly, clearly Praise independence & achievements Place high value on competence Hold self & others to consistent standards Child: Curious, independent-minded. Objective standards. Adult gifts: Fair, calm, & reasonable. 3/19/2018 18
Feelers prefer l l l l Most convinced by that which is seen as best for people Sensitive & empathic Want harmony & affection Speak warmly, tactfully, diplomatically Praise cooperation & personal contributions Place high value on relationships Consider extenuating circumstances, exceptions to the rule Child: Empathic, emotional. Cares what others think & feel. Adult gifts: Sympathetic, nurturing harmony & connection. 3/19/2018 19
What’s Your Style? How do you prefer to approach the world around you? J………………. . *…………. P Judgers Perceivers Planning Control Structure Spontaneous Responsive Adaptable 3/19/2018 20
Orientation to Outer World Judgers (J) Perceivers (P) Values judgment Values perception % of Population 55% 45% Characteristics l Organized l Structure l Control l Decisive l Deliberate l Closure l Plan l Deadlines l Productive l Judgers are NO MORE judgmental than Perceivers! Stop judging that it’s BAD to be a JUDGER. 3/19/2018 Flexible l Flow l Experience l Curious l Spontaneous l Openness l Wait l Discoveries l Receptive 21
Judger preference l l l l Prefer order & structure Value closure: make decisions quickly, easily Find comfort in rules Like to make a plan & implement it Decisive: State opinions frankly Finishing projects is important Productive & responsible Child: Reliable & responsible. Prefers the familiar & likes order. Adult gifts: Provide security & stability. 3/19/2018 22
Perceiver preference l l l l Prefer to "go with the flow“ Make decisions quickly, easily Value new info: postpone decisions Find rules & plans limiting Like to adapt & respond to changes Curious: ask lots of questions Trying new projects is important Playful & impulsive Child: Playful & adaptable. Prefers novelty & free time. Adult gifts: Nurture joy & flexibility 3/19/2018 23
What is the difference between, “type, ” and “temperament? ” l Type refers to mental patterns, or cognitive processes as determined through the Myers Briggs Type Indicator®, a valid and reliable instrument developed by Isabel Briggs Myers and Katherine Myers to take Carl Jung’s theory of type and give it practical application. l Temperament refers to behavioral patterns. 3/19/2018 24
How does temperament influence our families? ” Understanding the different temperaments enables us to identify and meet the needs of our families more effectively. 3/19/2018 25
Artisans, Improvisers SP 3/19/2018 26
Artisans, Improvisers, SP, prefer l l l l l Fun-loving physical movement and activity Hands-on and direct experiences Test limits VERY impulsive VERY literal Rules are guidelines, not absolutes Easily bored Strong need for control over Self Child: Experimental; daring; playful; “what you see is what you get!” Parent Gifts: “One day at a time” style of parenting; encourage child’s experiments; Play first, work later! 3/19/2018 27
Guardians, Stabilizers, SJ 3/19/2018 28
Guardians, Stabilizers, SJ prefer… l l l l Conscientious, responsible Thrive on routine; routines provide security Need approval Cautious and wary of change Follow rules Clearly defined roles “Good little boys and girls” Child: Like to know what is expected and to do it; sober; appreciate rules, roles. Parent Gifts: Create stability through real world follow through; attends to details; Practical; Expect respect and obedience from children 3/19/2018 29
Idealists, Catalysts, NF 3/19/2018 30
Idealists, Catalysts, NF prefer l l l l Imaginative BIG Picture thinkers Original Emotionally supportive Daily details exhaust Empathic Playful Child: Playful, passionate, non-conforming; seek harmony; people. Parent Gifts: Relaxed family relationships; supportive; understanding. 3/19/2018 31
Rationalists, Theorists, NT 3/19/2018 32
Rationalists, Theorists, NT, prefer… l l l l Self-contained Autonomous Prize cognitive development Trust in reason, deliberation Efficient Sees the BIG picture NEED to know the “why” and the “how”. Child: Curious; inventive; imaginative; experiment with ideas, strategies. Parent Gifts: Non-directive re children’s development; Provides opportunities for children to “stretch themselves” according to child’s interests 3/19/2018 33
Artisans, Improvisers, SP 3/19/2018 34
Strengths l l l l l Energy level Joie-de-vivre Zest of life, excitement, drive Happy-go-lucky Expressive Physical grace, athletic Always seem to know “where” they are Explorers Physically affectionate Capacity to improvise 3/19/2018 35
Challenges l l l l l Seems as though they don’t hear verbal limits Button pushers Draining due to high energy level Needs more supervision due to safety issues Very physical, hands-on “Tallest” piece of equipment attracts Impulsive Rough Routines don’t work Dislikes structure 3/19/2018 36
Hands-On Strategies l l l l Child-proofing Learning from child Avoid words; understand that these kids learn through touch CHOICES! Share control! More activity, less language; clear and short instructions Humor Say “no” by saying “yes” to something else Rhyming and songs Physical gestures, Physical activities Unstructured time Make tasks into games Advocating with schools; Vocational/alternative programs Enlisting other people Encourage messy projects 3/19/2018 37
Guardians, Stabilizers, SJ 3/19/2018 38
Strengths l l l Team player Task oriented Follow directions Thrive in structure Real helper Remember details Do well in school (in early years) Organized Dependable, predictable Manage time well Conscientious 3/19/2018 39
Challenges l l l l l Do not deal well with unstructured time Very literal Not as creative; follows models Conformists Too helpful – could get into trouble What if there aren’t rules? Sense of humor? Change Adaptability 3/19/2018 40
Hands-On Strategies l l l l Role playing & practice Give leadership opportunities Concrete recognition ex. Stickers Advance preparations & “warnings” help Ask for their help Break things down A step at a time Describe situations in concrete terms 3/19/2018 41
Idealists, Catalysts, NF 3/19/2018 42
Strengths l l l l l Imaginative Creative Visual Connected Concerned Thoughtful Good at entertaining themselves Empathetic Think outside the box Capacity to brainstorm 3/19/2018 43
Challenges l l l l l Standardized tests Back to the real world Practice Needs to be motivated - - how? Implementation How things/people could be Dramatic, intense VERY sensitive Tend to AVOID confrontation Frustration 3/19/2018 44
Hands-On Strategies Open-ended projects Sit with them until they are comfortable Like company Pull back Stop-start “Pretend” Make a story Consequences for actions and their impact upon others l Relationship language l Choices l l l l 3/19/2018 45
Rationalists, Theorists, NT 3/19/2018 46
Strengths l l l Independent Not impulsive Prone to dismiss “peer pressure” Innovative Observant Makes connections Leaders Diverse interests Language ability Explorers Curious Persistent 3/19/2018 47
Challenges l l l l l Group activities Independence No sense of personal limits Won’t ask for help Easily frustrated Keeping them occupied with age appropriate activities Stubborn Impatient with people who are not as quick-minded Accidentally hurt other people’s feelings 3/19/2018 48
Hands-On Strategies l l l l Open-ended toys Lots of adult/older child interaction Reasonable explanations Giving leeway, choices, independent opportunities Padded schedule/flex time Picking your fights Engage problem-solving skills 3/19/2018 49
Note your observations! l Taking a long look at how your children play and learn, develop an ongoing conversation to ascertain who they are and why they do what they do. l Behavior masks motivation. 3/19/2018 50
Note your observations! l Teach your children this language. l Advocate. l Enjoy! 3/19/2018 51
Resources l Baron, Renee, What Type Am I? © 1998, Penguin Books, NY; The Four Temperaments, © 2004, St. Martins Griffin l Berens, Linda V. Understanding Yourself & Others: an Introduction to Temperament 3. 0, © 2006, Telos, Pubs. l Keirsey, David, Please Understand Me II, © 1998, Prometheus. Nemesis Books Co. Kroeger, Otto, & Janet M. Thuesen, Type Talk: The Sixteen Personality Types that Determine How We Live, Love, and Work, @1988, Bantam Doubleday Dell, NY l 3/19/2018 52
Resources l l l 3/19/2018 Montgomery, Stephen, Ph. D. , People Patterns: A Modern Guide to the Four Temperaments, © 2002, Archer Publications Myers, Isabel Briggs with Peter B. Myers, Gifts Differing, © 1995, Davies-Black Publishing, Palo Alto California Penley, Janet and Diane W. Stephens, The M. O. M. S Handbook, Second Edition© 1998, by Penley and Associates, Inc. ; Mother. Styles – Using Personality Type to Discover Your Parenting Strengths, © 2006, Life. Long Books Stoop, Dr. David, Understanding Your Child’s Personality, © 1998, Tyndale House Pubs. Inc. Tieger, Paul D. , and Barbara Barron-Tieger, Just Your Type, © 2000, Little, Brown, & Co. , Boston; The Art of Speedreading People, @1999, Little, Brown, & Co. , Boston; Nurture by Nature, @1997, Little, Brown & Co. , Boston. www. momsconnection. com www. typecan. com www. 16 types. com www. keirsey. com 53
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