Parenting References The Holy Bible By

Parenting

References • The Holy Bible By Our Awesome God • Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen. ISBN: 0 -345 -40251 -0 • The Complete Book of Christian Parenting & Child Care by William Sears, M. D. and Martha Sears, R. N. ISBN: 0 -8054 -6198 -1

Basic Concepts

• Children, obey your PARENTS in the Lord, for this is right. Eph 6: 1 • Children, obey your PARENTS in the Lord, for this is right. Col 3: 20. • And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord. Eph 6: 4 • Fathers, do not PROVOKE your children, lest they become discouraged. Col 3: 21

1) God Designed Parents with the necessary Tools for parenting!! • Parents are bombarded by numerous advice about parenting and they feel inadequate and worried. • We should encourage parents while they are asking for advice. • In order to tap into their God-given parenting ability, they need to always keep their eyes on the best parent: our heavenly father.

• We need to help them believe that God would not have given them a child they cannot handle. • We have the advantage of having the church and the Lord Jesus to guide and help us through our parenting journey. • Parenting is still the most important and probably the most difficult job a parent will ever do.

• We are taught from birth to obey our parents, to obey our teachers, to obey our pastors. Yet, parenting advice is often a matter of opinion. And when it comes to parenting opinions, everyone certain that their way is the right way • Remember, nothing divides people like a difference in opinion on how to raise children. • There is no one way to take care of every child. If there were, we would all be clones.

• There are certain basic principles of childrearing that are founded on biblical principles and supported by scientific research experience, and plain old common sense, Yet much of what we know is in the realm of opinion. • Most parents are not prepared for parenting at the time of having their first child • Preparation to be a parent starts from childhood.

2) The goal is to be Godly parents. • In order to advice parents we need to study how God as a father parents us. • Prayer is a very powerful parenting tool. • Our model in parenting should be the Lord Jesus himself and as well as his saints, e. g. the mother of us all St. Mary. • Studying parenting is very important but should have the bible as a guide.

3)There are many parenting schools. • There as many parenting schools as there are parents. • Some groups are very strict. • Some groups advocate spanking. • Some groups completely against any physical punishment. • Some use the bible in a literal and manipulative ways and others does not use the bible at all.

4)The Bible and Parenting. • The bible is not intended to be a parenting book. • Many of the parenting principles from the bible has to be taken within the context and also has to be flexible and allow for individual differences. • The bible provides general guidelines like the constitution but it will need interpretation depending on the situation and the individuals. • The key is to surround yourself with good and godly people that can provide sound advice.

5) Parents should be the experts on their children's needs. • Through prayer, reading the bible and advice parents should become the experts on how to parent their children. • Any external advice should be carefully examined before applied to “MY” child. • Some of the most logical and well known advice about raising kids may not be good or may even be very harmful to some children.

Examples: • Spanking children who are: depressed, mentally retarded, has ADHD, traumatized of very anxious etc. • Refusing to allow kids to come to parents’ bed • Leaving babies to cry themselves to sleep. • Not picking up babies when they cry.

6) What happened to the good old days? • Adults no longer give children an example or model of obedience and submission. e. g. wife to husband, employee to boss etc. “When Dad lost control of Mom they both lost control of the children”. • Current society provide children with very few opportunities to learn responsibility and motivation. We no longer need children for economic survival.

7) The foundation: 1) Commitment to God centered life. • The most important step is to commit • • • wholeheartedly to living Godly life. Any relationship needs commitment. When we strongly commit to the Lord our children will see the example and do the same. Parents need to take the time to know the Lord. 2) Commitment to Husband-Wife relationship • Life-long relationship • A fulfilling relationship. .

3) Parenting is a form of a discipleship • Discipline comes from the Latin word “disciplus” or “disciple” which best expresses the relationship of a child to a parent. • Parents should act as teachers and an examples ( a model) for their children. • The Goal of parenting is to help children develop self control, character and values. Like good teachers, parents goal is to get their children to depend on themselves and be independent.

• The True Good Teacher is the Lord Jesus Christ. • If parents model themselves after the Lord, they will be “good” parents. • We CANNOT be “good” parents without having the Lord Jesus, through his Holy spirit, dwelling in us. • We cannot be “the light” and “the way” to our children without following the “True Light” and “The True Way” ourselves.

8) Long Term Goals Of Parenting. Help them learn the seven skills: 1 - Strong perception of personal capabilities (I am capable) 2 - Strong perception of significance in primary relationships (I contribute in meaningful ways and I am genuinely needed). 3 - Strong perceptions of personal power or influence over life (I can influence what happens to me)

4 - Strong intrapersonal skills ( the ability to understand personal emotions and to use that understanding to develop selfdiscipline and self control). 5 - Strong interpersonal skills (the ability to work with others and develop friendships through communicating, cooperating, negotiation sharing empathizing and listening)

6 -Strong systemic skills ( the ability to respond to the limits and consequences of everyday life with responsibility, adaptability, flexibility and integrity. 7 -Strong Judgmental skills (the ability to use wisdom and to evaluate situations according to appropriate values).

Parenting Styles. • Helicopter Parents (permissive, rescuing) • Drill Sergeant (excessive strictness) Parents • Consultant Parents

Helicopter Parents (permissive, rescuing) • Freedom without order • Love means revolving their lives around their • • • children Hover and rescue their children when trouble arises. Always bailing out their children Viewed by others as model parents. Uncomfortable imposing consequences. Fail to prepare their kids for the unforgiving world. They may attack others who hold their children accountable, and declare their children as victims.

Drill Sergeant (excessive strictness) Parents • Order without freedom • Love: The more they control the better their kids • • • will be. Often uses language full of put-downs and I-told –you –so’s. They force their kids what they want them to do. Their message is “you cannot think for yourself , so I’ll do it for you” Their kids cannot think for themselves, and if they did they make horrendous decisions. When they reach teen years they no longer listen to parents but listen to friends. Also they rebel.

Consultant Parent (positive discipline) • Freedom with order • Limited choices. • Encourage their children to think about their behavior. • Help them feel in control of their actions by giving them choices within limits. • Does not include blame, shame or pain as motivators. • Based on mutual respect and cooperation. • Allow them to learn from their mistakes by allowing them to fail in small things.

Parenting Choices • Parenting is a relationship that develops naturally between the parent and the baby. • Some parenting teachings will convey that new parents can choose a system of child care that fits most conveniently into their own life style. • “Convenient parenting” is not God’s design.

Attachment Parenting • Attachment parenting is in accordance with God’s • • • plan. Attachment is the Mother-infant attachment is a special bond of closeness between mother and baby. Helps babies to reach their fullest potential, and thrive. Babies are equipped with behaviors that help mothers deliver the right care. God gave mothers the chemistry and sensitivity to respond to their babies appropriately. It is called “Mother’s intuition ”

Examples of Attachment Parenting Advise • “Be open to your baby’s cues” • “Take your baby with you” • “Respond promptly to cries” • “Sleep whenever you all sleep best” • “Wean when both of you are ready” • “Let your baby sleep when he is tired”

Examples of Detachment Parenting Advice • “Don’t let your baby run your life” • “you’ ve got to get away from that kid. ” • “Get that baby on a schedule” • “Let your baby cry it out” • “Don’t let your baby sleep in your bed; she’ll get used to it” • “What, you’re still nursing? ” • “She’s controlling you” • “You’re making her dependent”

Attachment Parenting Results. • Confidence in parenting skills • Know child well. • Develop realistic expectation. • Adjust more easily to the new lifestyle. • Enjoy baby more. • Keep pace with child. • Child learns to trust. • Child has much better ability to relate to others.

Detachment parenting Results. • Do not trust parenting skills • Mother and baby have a distant and strained relationship. • Mother compares baby to other babies. • More easily resent baby’s demand. • Mother will need alternative fulfillment. • Mother is more vulnerable to unwise advice. • Child does not learn trust • Very harmful to future relationships.

Some Discipline Basics The Positive approach

What Discipline Really Means • Discipline is discipleship • Discipline begins with having the right relationship with your child more than practicing the right techniques. • It is something you do with a child, not to a child. • Discipline is basically giving your children the tools to save their souls and succeed in life.

• Parenting is not disciplining and punishing but rather teaching caring about others, controlling oneself and putting others’ wishes before ones’ own. • Parents should ask themselves from time to time “ what kind of a relationship do I want with my child” Master- slave relationship or a relationship built on mutual respect and love.

• Discipline is not to be equated with punishment. • Although punishment is an important part of the whole discipline picture, it is not the large part; it’s important to have balance. • In family living, discipline means showing children what behavior is expected of them and the consequences of misbehavior. The home is like a mini society for a child

Critical Moments. • Parenting and discipline Takes place continuously through a series of critical moments when the needs and desires of the child come in conflict with his parents short-term or long-term goals.

Children are social beings • Children make decisions about themselves and how to behave, based on how they see themselves in relationship to others and how they think others feel about them. • Remember that children are constantly making decisions and forming beliefs about themselves, about the world and about what they need to do to survive or thrive.

Behavior Is Goal Oriented Theory of mistaken Goals of behavior. • Children are not consciously aware of the goal they hope to achieve. • Sometimes they have mistaken ideas of how to achieve what they want, and they behave in ways that achieve just the opposite of their goal. • For example, they may want to be liked, but they act obnoxious in their awkward attempts to achieve this goal.

A child’s primary goal is to belong and to be significant • Misbehavior is based on a mistaken belief about how to achieve belonging and significance. • When a misbehaving child acts obnoxiously, it is easy to understand why it is difficult for most adults to get past the misbehavior and remember the real meaning and message behind it: “I just want to belong. ”

FOUR MISTAKEN GOALS OF BEHAVIOR • Attention—”I belong only when I have your attention. ” • Power—”I belong only when I’m winning or in charge, c at least when I don’t let you win. ” • Revenge—”It hurts that I don’t belong, but at least I can hurt back. ” • Assumed Inadequacy—”I give up. It is impossible to belong. ”

Social interest • It means having concern for one’s fellow person and a sincere desire to make a contribution to society. • It is extremely important to teach social interest to children. • What good is academic learning if young people do not learn to become contributing members of society?

Social interest • Don’t do anything for a child that a child can do for herself. • The first step in teaching social interest is to teach self-reliance. • Then children are ready to help others and feel extremely capable when they do. • We have gone through an age of supermoms and super teachers, where children have learned to expect the world to serve them rather than to be of service to the world.

Equality • “How can children be equal when they don’t have the same experience, knowledge, or responsibility? ” • Equality does not mean “the same”. • Equality means that all people have equal claims to dignity and respect. • Discipline does not include humiliation. Humiliating techniques are contrary to the concepts of equality and mutual respect.

Understanding the child’s developmental stage and know your Child • Very often parents’ confusion about discipline stems from a lack of understanding of what the child is capable of doing e. g. Punishing a 3 year old for a lie. • “Train up your child in the way he should go. . ” (Prov. 22: 6). This verse for discipline implies we know our child

Children’s mistakes are their Opportunity to Practice • Children don’t have the luxury to practice their new skills. • It is much safer to allow them to make mistakes and learn from them in a controlled and safe environment. • If parents rescued them all the time they will never learn.

• In our society we are taught to be ashamed of mistake. • What we need to achieve is the courage to change our debilitating beliefs about imperfection. • When they make a mistake, they often receive the message that they are stupid. • Some people decide they are bad or inadequate. • Others decide they should not take risks for fear of humiliation. • Some decide they will be, sneaky about their mi

• Many mistakes are made because parents haven’t taken time for training and encouragement. • Model the courage to accept imperfection so that children will learn from you that mistakes truly are an opportunity to learn. • THE THREE Rs OF RECOVERY : 1. Recognize—”Wow! I made a mistake. 2. Reconcile—”I apologize. ” 3. Resolve—”Let’s work on a solution together. ”

Natural and logical Consequences • When kids are punished they may think: – I am bad or worthless – Decide not to repeat the behavior out of fear. – How to defeat you later – How to avoid being caught in the future. – Think about revenge. – Sense of unfairness.

Natural Consequences: • Is anything that happens naturally, with no adult interference. • Cannot use natural consequences if: – Child in danger – When they interfere with the rights of others. – When the results of children’s behavior do not seem like a problem to them e. g. not taking a bath, brushing teeth, eating junk food or not doing the homework.

Logical consequences • They require the intervention of an adult. • Important to decide what kind of consequence that will create helpful learning experience. • Most effective when the child has been involved, in advance, in deciding what consequences would be most conducive to help him or her learn.

• Sometimes we punish out of revenge, or to demonstrate power. • Suffering is not a requirement of logical consequences. • It hard to apply logical consequences and it is easier to just react and become engaged in power struggle. • Things can get worse before getting better.

Three Rs of Logical Consequences • This help to ensure that the solutions are logical consequences rather than punishment: – Related. Writes on the desk, spills the milk, write on the wall, etc – Respectful: “how can you be so clumsy” – Reasonable: clean every desk in the school is not reasonable.

MAKE SURE THE MESSAGE OF LOVE GETS THROUGH

Punishment

• All Parents have strong opinions when it comes to the subject of punishment and the use of punishment. • Punishment, if used alone, is not effective on the long run because it is entirely negative. It teaches the child what NOT to do but does not teach what he or she SHOULD do. • Punishment effects are at best temporary and when used too often it looses its effectiveness.

• Punishment provokes fear and fear gives quick response but usually no self discipline. • Mutual respect does not mean all family members are equal, it means that parenting and discipline takes place in a context of empathy, love , protection and guidance. • What’s the use of discipline and parenting in general if it did not result is selfdiscipline.

• Excessive Punishment causes the child to believe that he or she is a “bad person” and results in low self esteem, low confidence and low self control. • Punishment in moderation may be necessary, but unless its done in a larger positive context of discipline, it will not be effective or even may be harmful.

• There are different types of punishment: For example, physical punishment such as spanking, time out, grounding, taking away privileges, etc • Punishment effects are at best temporary and when used too often it looses its effectiveness.

• Instead on focusing on the behavior that inspired the punishment the child usually focuses on anger toward the adult or shame about themselves. • Some adults think that children misbehave because the punishment was not severe enough • Punishment works but temporarily. With punishment, parents may win discipline battles , but they may loose the discipline war.

The Four Rs of Punishment • Resentment and anger “ This is unfair” • Revenge “they are winning now, but I’ll get even” • Rebellion “I’ll do just the opposite to prove I don’t have to do it their way” • Retreat, the from of sneakiness (passiveaggressive) or reduces self esteem “ I am a bad person, I give up”

Important punishment rules: 1 - Use punishment sparingly: Too often child gets used to it looses effect 2 - Choose punishments that will decrease the undesirable behavior and change technique if not effective. 3 - Use punishment with positive technique. Encourage, Encourage. 4 - Don’t delay punishment. 5 - Always explain consequences.

6 - Be consistent 7 - Don’t make empty threats; don’t give 2 nd, 3 rd and 10 th chances. 8 - Make the punishment proportionate to the behavior. 9 - If you ever use physical punishment, make it brief and well controlled. 10 - Never apply physical punishment in anger and never use belts, switches, cords, etc.

What Does The Bible Say About Discipline/ Punishment. • Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him. (Proverbs 13: 24) • Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him. (Proverbs 22: 15) • Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. (Proverbs 23: 13)

• Proverbs 22: 15 and 29: 15 support this interpretation with the phrases "the rod of discipline" and "the rod of correction. " The writer is clearly not referring here to a literal rod. • Many studies have shown that punishment of any kind, especially corporal, only teaches a child not to get caught doing wrong.

• Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. (Proverbs 22: 5) • The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother. (proverbs 29: 15)

• Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol. (Proverbs 23: 13 -14) • Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death. (Proverbs 19: 18)

How to interpret the bible verses • First, lets get over the "literal interpretation" hurdle. • If you take these verses absolutely literally, then they advocate punishing a child with an actual rod, an act that would be considered child abuse in most states.

MAKE SURE THE MESSAGE OF LOVE GETS THROUGH

Some Parenting Skills and Techniques

Communication Is the Key to Discipline • “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord” (Col. 3: 20). • The term “obey” means to intelligently listen to. • How you talk to your child. Often means the difference between compliance and defiance.

Communication Tips • Constant reminding. “internalizing, ” means the age at which children can remember previous directives and make them part of their usual way of acting. This is why toddlers need to be told a thousand times. But by three, a child can begin to internalize your instructions so that they sink in.

• Connect before you direct. • KISMIF—Keep it simple; make it fun • Rewind and replay. • Be sure your child understands exactly what behavior is expected of him and in what situations. • Let your child draw her own conclusions. • Speak respectfully Be ever so understanding.

Setting Limits • For children to thrive and parents to survive kids need boundaries. • Most parents do a pretty good job of setting limits, but they forget that along with setting limits, they must provide structure. • You establish house rules, but at the same time create conditions that make the rule easier to follow.

Setting Limits • Setting limits and providing structure implies knowing when to say yes and when to say no. • Limit setting teaches a child a valuable lesson for life: : the world is full of “yeses” and “no’s. ” • Try to balance your discipline with more “yeses” than “no’s” • Distract and divert especially very young children

Shape, Don’t Control Your Child’s Behavior. • When-then. “When you put your toys away, then you can play outside”. • Praise appropriately. • Give reminders. • Give consequences.

Time Out • Choose the time out location carefully. • Explain the time out rules to the child • Set a time limit to the time out 1 min/year • Count 1 - 2 - 3, as a warning, before sending the child to the time out place

Time Out • Do not start counting until child has • • stopped unwanted behavior. Back up consequences for not doing the time out. Use timer. Don’t let time out a way to avoid responsibility, e. g. cleaning up Time out works best for children between ages 2 -12.

Using Encouragement Effectively. • Encouragement is the most important skill adults can learn in helping children. • Misbehaving child is usually a discouraged child. • Encouragement is providing the children to develop the perceptions that “I am capable, I can contribute”

• “Children need encouragement, just as plants need water. They cannot survive without it. ” • Encouragement is not easy because it is normal for adults to get hooked into reacting to the misbehavior in negative ways • They think punishment motivates children to improve their behavior.

How to Encourage • Timing. • Winning cooperation • Mutual respect • Improvement, not perfection • What you see is what you get • Redirecting misbehavior • Making up for it. • Special time. • Try a hug.

Family Meetings • Problems are shared in a family meeting. And the children create the solution. • Mom and Dad do not take over responsibility when problems arise in carrying out the family’s decision. • The children enforces the rules because Mom and Dad stays out of it. • The rules applies to everyone in the family, including Mom and Dad.

Family Meetings Rules • Should be held once a week. • Decisions should be made by consensus. • Should include a review of the next week’s activities. • Should not end without planning a family fun activity during the coming week. • End the meeting by playing a game together or serving a dessert. • Sitting at a cleared table is conducive to staying on task for problem-solving.

Components of the family meeting • Chairperson • Secretary • Compliments • Gratitude • The Agenda • Problem-Solving • Planning Activities