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Nine Years Out or, “What I Know Now and Wish I’d Known Then” a Nine Years Out or, “What I Know Now and Wish I’d Known Then” a talk by “Mr. ” Graham Mitchell http: //grahammitchell. com/

2643383279 Do you recognize this number? 2643383279 Do you recognize this number?

01011001 01001111 0101 00100000 01001110 010001010010 0100 01011001 01001111 0101 00100000 01001110 010001010010 0100

How Geeky Am I? q know at least 17 digits of pi and 15 How Geeky Am I? q know at least 17 digits of pi and 15 digits of e q can translate binary ASCII manually q have a vanity domain q *since graduating* have taught myself • Perl • Intel x 86 assembly language • Scheme • Python • Javascript (a. k. a. ECMAScript) • Ruby q run Linux on the desktop since June 2001

What I Now Know: Coding is amazing. What I Now Know: Coding is amazing.

What I Now Know: I have no social skills. What I Now Know: I have no social skills.

Lemma 0 Lemma 0

Popularity is a game. Popularity is a game.

Popularity is a stupid game. Popularity is a stupid game.

Popularity is a shallow game. Popularity is a shallow game.

Popularity is a game. But you can’t choose not to play. Asperger syndrome Popularity is a game. But you can’t choose not to play. Asperger syndrome

Mr. Mitchell’s (Hard-Learned) Tips for Not Being . Mr. Mitchell’s (Hard-Learned) Tips for Not Being .

A case study A case study

Bob Alice Bob Alice

Lemma 1 Lemma 1

When Bob finds out something about Alice, but doesn’t learn it from Alice, then When Bob finds out something about Alice, but doesn’t learn it from Alice, then Bob is probably being creepy.

Lemma 2 Lemma 2

When Bob wants Alice to know something, and gets the information to her in When Bob wants Alice to know something, and gets the information to her in some way other than talking to her, then Bob is probably being creepy.

Lemma 3 Lemma 3

Even if Bob knows everything about Alice, it does not mean that Bob knows Even if Bob knows everything about Alice, it does not mean that Bob knows Alice. And it certainly doesn’t mean that Alice wants to know anything about Bob. Or that she is happy about Bob knowing all about her.

Lemma 4 Lemma 4

0 0

If Alice is favorably disposed towards Bob, then she will be flattered when he If Alice is favorably disposed towards Bob, then she will be flattered when he says nice things to her or does them for her. If Alice is not favorably disposed towards Bob, then she will probably be creeped out even if he says or does those same things.

Lemma 5 Lemma 5

If Alice isn’t interested in Bob, then nothing Bob can tell her or do If Alice isn’t interested in Bob, then nothing Bob can tell her or do for her is going to change her mind (probably). Alice will only change her mind by watching Bob interact with others over a longish period of time.

Theorem: If she’s not interested, leave her alone. Theorem: If she’s not interested, leave her alone.

On relationships On relationships

Stages of typical relationships: 0. unknown 1. strangers 2. acquaintances 3. friends 4. dating Stages of typical relationships: 0. unknown 1. strangers 2. acquaintances 3. friends 4. dating 5. boyfriend/girlfriend 6. engaged 7. married

Aspects of relational intimacy: 0. physical 1. aesthetic 2. recreational 3. intellectual 4. spiritual Aspects of relational intimacy: 0. physical 1. aesthetic 2. recreational 3. intellectual 4. spiritual 5. emotional 6. sexual 7. unconditional

Am I creepy? Am I creepy?

People might think you’re creepy if: People might think you’re creepy if:

People might think you’re creepy if: • You follow people around People might think you’re creepy if: • You follow people around

People might think you’re creepy if: • You follow people around • You call People might think you’re creepy if: • You follow people around • You call someone (or email or text or IM) and you haven’t asked them first

People might think you’re creepy if: • You follow people around • You call People might think you’re creepy if: • You follow people around • You call someone (or email or text or IM) and you haven’t asked them first • You wait for people to show up where you know they’re going to be

People might think you’re creepy if: • You follow people around • You call People might think you’re creepy if: • You follow people around • You call someone (or email or text or IM) and you haven’t asked them first • You wait for people to show up where you know they’re going to be • You touch people and they rarely touch you back

People might think you’re creepy if: • You follow people around • You call People might think you’re creepy if: • You follow people around • You call someone (or email or text or IM) and you haven’t asked them first • You wait for people to show up where you know they’re going to be • You touch people and they rarely touch you back • You are always the initiator or the one doing the ‘seeking behavior’

People might think you’re creepy if: • You follow people around • You call People might think you’re creepy if: • You follow people around • You call someone (or email or text or IM) and you haven’t asked them first • You wait for people to show up where you know they’re going to be • You touch people and they rarely touch you back • You are always the initiator or the one doing the ‘seeking behavior’ • You’re always trying to buy/do nice things for someone you’re not dating

People might think you’re creepy if: • You follow people around • You call People might think you’re creepy if: • You follow people around • You call someone (or email or text or IM) and you haven’t asked them first • You wait for people to show up where you know they’re going to be • You touch people and they rarely touch you back • You are always the initiator or the one doing the ‘seeking behavior’ • You’re always trying to buy/do nice things for someone you’re not dating • You leave anonymous notes

You can tell they’re probably not interested if: You can tell they’re probably not interested if:

You can tell they’re probably not interested if: • They don’t look at you You can tell they’re probably not interested if: • They don’t look at you when you’re talking

You can tell they’re probably not interested if: • They don’t look at you You can tell they’re probably not interested if: • They don’t look at you when you’re talking • They never seek you out in a group

You can tell they’re probably not interested if: • They don’t look at you You can tell they’re probably not interested if: • They don’t look at you when you’re talking • They never seek you out in a group • They never ask questions when you’re talking

You can tell they’re probably not interested if: • They don’t look at you You can tell they’re probably not interested if: • They don’t look at you when you’re talking • They never seek you out in a group • They never ask questions when you’re talking • They have closed body language

The Test The Test

In private, ask a friend or two, “Do people think I’m creepy? ” (Don’t In private, ask a friend or two, “Do people think I’m creepy? ” (Don’t ask Alice this. She’ll probably lie. ) Then ask, “What sorts of things do I do that people think are creepy? ”

http: //dontbecreepy. com/ http: //dontbecreepy. com/