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Communication to Prevent and Manage Conflict Facilitators: Nayla Mitha and Louis Cormier Informal Conflict Communication to Prevent and Manage Conflict Facilitators: Nayla Mitha and Louis Cormier Informal Conflict Management Office Ottawa, November 13 th 2013, Listening is not “waiting for your turn to speak. ” Silken Laumann, Athlete (Rowing) 1

 Workshop Objectives 1. Understand the importance of active listening 2. Identify barriers to Workshop Objectives 1. Understand the importance of active listening 2. Identify barriers to communication 3. To learn some communication techniques and a model which foster collaboration 2

INTRODUCE YOURSELF Name Where you work 3 INTRODUCE YOURSELF Name Where you work 3

AGENDA • • Introduction Active listening concept Barriers to effective communication Emotions and Values AGENDA • • Introduction Active listening concept Barriers to effective communication Emotions and Values Self–evaluation of your listening skills How to communicate effectively Collaborative discussion model Closing 4

Concept of Active Listening A. What is? / is not? - Agreeing, judgment B. Concept of Active Listening A. What is? / is not? - Agreeing, judgment B. Why? - To gather information from another party - To improve communication To achieve your intentions related to a conversation To build trust/relationships/leadership capacity/connection C. How? - By concentrating/making an effort and by investing time By hearing words, non verbals and acknowledging feelings By intending … Listening Techniques D. Barriers - Emotions and values Judgment and intentions Beliefs Perception/interpretations 5

 «Few motives in human experience are as powerful as the yearning to be «Few motives in human experience are as powerful as the yearning to be understood. Being listened to means that we are taken seriously, that our ideas and feelings are known and, ultimately, that what we have to say matters. » (in short , « that we are important » ) M. Nichols, The Lost Art of Listening, p. 9)

DEFINITION OF ACTIVE LISTENING • The capacity to really understand the message based on DEFINITION OF ACTIVE LISTENING • The capacity to really understand the message based on the words and nonverbal communication with true empathy and curiosity. • Listening is not agreeing ; it is the will to understand the perspective of others while remaining open to the other person’s experience. 7

ACTIVE LISTENING allows you … … • • • to gather information to improve ACTIVE LISTENING allows you … … • • • to gather information to improve communication to build relationship, trust, connection to develop leadership capacity to achieve your intention related to a conversation (including emotional venting) • to collaborate 8

ACTIVE Listening … is an essential element of emotional intelligence. 9 ACTIVE Listening … is an essential element of emotional intelligence. 9

IQ, TQ, EQ • IQ: intellectual quotient (verbal abilities, mathematic, spatial, analytics, etc. ) IQ, TQ, EQ • IQ: intellectual quotient (verbal abilities, mathematic, spatial, analytics, etc. ) • TQ: technical quotient (manual abilities, logics, etc. ) • EQ: emotional quotient (empathy, listening, initiative, adaptability, managing emotions, ability to convince, introspection, etc. ) 10

People will forget what you have said, they will forget what you have done. People will forget what you have said, they will forget what you have done. However, they will never forget how they felt in your presence. The emotionnal brain records everything. Isabelle Fontaine, Atelier ‘L’art de surfer sur le changement: ruses et stratégies”, Mars, 2011 11

HOW TO LISTEN ACTIVELY • With curiosity and empathy • By suspending our own HOW TO LISTEN ACTIVELY • With curiosity and empathy • By suspending our own concern’s and reactions • By being conscious of our own beliefs and understanding our emotions • By acknowledging the other party’s thought and feelings • By being patient and investing the time to listening • To give the benefit of the doubt 12

Jewelery store activity • A business person was about to lock up the jewelry Jewelery store activity • A business person was about to lock up the jewelry store when a man holding a bag pushed his way in. He demanded that one of the jewelry cases be opened. The owner unlocked the jewelry case, and its contents were removed. A dog appeared and began barking. The man ran away. 13

BARRIERS TO ACTIVE LISTENING • • By arguing what is said Strong and/or unexpressed BARRIERS TO ACTIVE LISTENING • • By arguing what is said Strong and/or unexpressed emotions Attempting to convince the other party Assuming / Interrupting Giving advice, suggesting solutions Trying to be right and make your point lack of attention, distractions talking too much 14

BARRIERS TO ACTIVE LISTENING • • Thinking of your response Time pressure Selective listening BARRIERS TO ACTIVE LISTENING • • Thinking of your response Time pressure Selective listening Being judgemental, critical Ignoring non-verbal clues Vocabulary and jargon Fatigue Being black and white 15

Emotions are / may be; • Strong instinctive or intuitive feelings • Signals telling Emotions are / may be; • Strong instinctive or intuitive feelings • Signals telling us to stop and think • Barriers to effective communication • Powerful, always present and difficult to manage • Indicators of a state of being (+ or -) • Happening to us all • Difficult to identify • Faster than our thoughts • Complex and more nuanced than we usually imagine

Values are / may be … • Core principles that guide us in so Values are / may be … • Core principles that guide us in so many ways. • Personal to us and originate from family influences and upbringing, generational traits, education, religion, culture and so on. • Organizational: – Values and Ethic Code for the Public Service

Listening as an equation: Listening with genuine curiosity (to learn something new) + Attempting Listening as an equation: Listening with genuine curiosity (to learn something new) + Attempting to understand (the other person’s reality) - Judgement 18

Listening as an equation: = Agreeing to change your mind; = Increases your knowledge Listening as an equation: = Agreeing to change your mind; = Increases your knowledge of a situation, as this person sees it; = ‘I care for what you have to say’ (builds ‘connection’); the other person’s resistance to change; Will likely get you respect (from other); May even win you other’s support (to an idea/plan they did not initially agree with). 19

LISTENING SKILLS EVALUATION EXERCISE 20 LISTENING SKILLS EVALUATION EXERCISE 20

Conversation « cocktail » Skill Savoir-faire Knowledge Savoir Attitude Savoir-être 21 Conversation « cocktail » Skill Savoir-faire Knowledge Savoir Attitude Savoir-être 21

Attitude-based – Empathy; – “Seek to understand before being understood”; – AND; – L. Attitude-based – Empathy; – “Seek to understand before being understood”; – AND; – L. I. S. T. E. N. = S. I. L. E. N. T. ; 22

Skills-based – Open and closed questions; – Reflecting; – Summarizing; – 4 F (Feeling Skills-based – Open and closed questions; – Reflecting; – Summarizing; – 4 F (Feeling First Facts Follow); – The “ I” statement 23

Knowledge (content) - Facts (issues and feelings) - Interest • • Needs Concerns Values Knowledge (content) - Facts (issues and feelings) - Interest • • Needs Concerns Values Expectations Desire Beliefs Etc (what is important for you) 24

Three Ways of Communicating Messages are transmitted via the following: Body language: 55% Words: Three Ways of Communicating Messages are transmitted via the following: Body language: 55% Words: 7% Impacts During emotionally charged conversations Para-language (e. g. tone, speed): 38% Weak Control Average High 25

 Collaborative Discussion Model Collaborative Discussion Model

 Collaborative Discussion VS Focused on what matters to me and you and why Collaborative Discussion VS Focused on what matters to me and you and why Competitive Discussion Focussed what matters to me Satisfies both people Satisfy yourself only Work with the other person Work against the other person Define the problem(s) to be solved, explore why it’s important to both of us, develop multiple options, seek the most appropriate solution Focus on positions, concessions and bargaining Focused on the problem without making it personal Focused on the problem and may become personal

 Problem Solving Model 1. Problem/Issue What is the issue? 2. Solution What is Problem Solving Model 1. Problem/Issue What is the issue? 2. Solution What is the Solution to fix it?

Collaborative Discussion Model 1. Problem/Issue What needs to be resolved? 2. Needs/Interests What is Collaborative Discussion Model 1. Problem/Issue What needs to be resolved? 2. Needs/Interests What is important and why? 4. Solution Which are the best options to resolve this? 3. Options How can we meet the identified needs?

Conflict Revisited - (For yourself) ü Identify a real workplace conflict? ü Write what Conflict Revisited - (For yourself) ü Identify a real workplace conflict? ü Write what the conflict is about? (Parties, history, trigger event and impact) ü What is the main issue? ü What action has been taken so far? • SOLO • 5 minutes

Stage 1 – The issue A. Prepare to deal with the Issue • • Stage 1 – The issue A. Prepare to deal with the Issue • • • What do you really want for yourself? For the other? For the relationship? How will you start the conversation? (write a sample opening) What are your underlying needs in this situation? What are the top 2 or 3 things that you need to say to the other person? What do you think the other person’s underlying needs are? List 3 open-ended questions that you can you ask the other person to better understand their perspective. Putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, what does the other person need to hear from you? What might trigger you in this conversation and how can you manage this? What might trigger the other person in this conversation and how can you help minimize this? What will you do if the situation is not resolved through this discussion?

Stage 1 – The issue B) How to raise the issue in a way Stage 1 – The issue B) How to raise the issue in a way that encourages collaboration? Step 1 - State the situation as you see it, focusing on the problem (not the person), and using neutral nonaccusatory words and tone. Step 2 - Explain what is important for you and express what intent in addressing this is. Step 3 - Seek agreement on the issues and invite the other person to work with you to resolve them through a collaborative discussion. your

Exercise - Raise the following issues 1. “The meetings you keep calling cut into Exercise - Raise the following issues 1. “The meetings you keep calling cut into my working time too much. I feel like I am losing too much time!” 2. “I think I told you before, I need more detail on the quarterly balance sheet and you never take that request into account. ” • LGD - 5 min

Exercise - Raise the following issues 1. “The meetings you keep calling cut into Exercise - Raise the following issues 1. “The meetings you keep calling cut into my working time too much. I feel like I am losing too much time!” 2. “I think I told you before, I need more detail on the quarterly balance sheet and you never take that request into account. ” • LGD - 5 min

Stage 1 – The issue • C) Introduction : Starting the conversation respectfully and Stage 1 – The issue • C) Introduction : Starting the conversation respectfully and safely 1. Thank the other person for coming 2. Set the tone for a collaborative discussion (express your positive intent and your confidence in sorting it out with her/him) 3. 4. 5. 6. Focus on the issue not the person State what is important for you Express your hope at the end of the discussion Guidelines for communications and confidentiality

What’s your favourite hobby? What’s your favourite hobby?

Position to Interests My Position Your Position My Interests (needs) Your Interests (needs) Shared Position to Interests My Position Your Position My Interests (needs) Your Interests (needs) Shared interests

Stage 2 - Interests (Needs) A. Listen to the other person and share your Stage 2 - Interests (Needs) A. Listen to the other person and share your perspective 1. Invite a description from the other person about the situation. 2. Listen carefully (seek to understand before being understood) to what bothers and matters for the other party 3. Reflecting/summarizing – to ensure you‘ve understood and the other person feels heard and understood 4. Describe your perspective of the situation and talk about how the situation is affecting you using “I” Statements 5. Summarize emphasising any similarities

Stage 2 - Interests (Needs) • B. Identify and share interests 1. Ask questions Stage 2 - Interests (Needs) • B. Identify and share interests 1. Ask questions to get clarity about: Ask questions • • ü Why this is an issue? ü What matters and why? ü What is driving or motivating the other person to act a certain way? 2. Share what’s important for you (using I-statements) 3. Summarize the common ground and the divergent interests

PEACH BFV P What are your priorities? E What are your expectations? A What PEACH BFV P What are your priorities? E What are your expectations? A What are your assumptions about this situation? C H B F V What are your concerns? What are your hopes? What are your beliefs? What are your fears? What values might be undermined for you in this situation?

Getting at Interests • Tell me more about what’s important to you about that? Getting at Interests • Tell me more about what’s important to you about that?

Self-Reflection • What could be the underlying interests and needs of the people involved Self-Reflection • What could be the underlying interests and needs of the people involved in your conflict situation?

Stage 3 - Options • A. Brainstorming: 1. The aim is to maximize the Stage 3 - Options • A. Brainstorming: 1. The aim is to maximize the number of options, not to find ‘The Best Solution’ 2. All options, fragments of ideas, etc. are noted, without comment 3. There needs be no buy-in to the ideas at this moment

Stage 3 - Options • What criteria should your options respect? Stage 3 - Options • What criteria should your options respect?

Stage 3 - Options B. Evaluate options: • The second step in the options Stage 3 - Options B. Evaluate options: • The second step in the options stage is evaluating which options best meet everyone’s interests as well as ensuring that the options are “do-able”.

Self-Reflection ü What options could best satisfy all the interests and needs involved in Self-Reflection ü What options could best satisfy all the interests and needs involved in your conflict situation? 3 minutes

 Process Stage 4: Agreement and Closure Stage 4 Which are the best options Process Stage 4: Agreement and Closure Stage 4 Which are the best options to resolve this?

Stage 4: Agreement and Closure 1. Be very specific (what, who, when, where and Stage 4: Agreement and Closure 1. Be very specific (what, who, when, where and how) 2. Include what to do if part of the agreement isn’t followed through. 3. What if the situation re-occurs? 4. Follow up? 5. Revisit confidentiality 6. Have closure

A Road Map Intro: To begin the conversation in an inviting manner. Inviting: Preparation: A Road Map Intro: To begin the conversation in an inviting manner. Inviting: Preparation: Closure and agreement: Requesting to meet and have a conversation Preparing / getting ready for the conversation Confirm and finalize the agreement so both have similar understanding. Framing, describing and identifying issues, in a neutral manner, to be addressed during the conversation. 1. Problem/Issue 4. Solution What needs to be resolved? Which options are best to affect a mutually satisfying resolution? 2. Needs Issue: 3. Options What is important and why? How can we resolve this? Communication skills: Tools and skills to move from positions to interests Needs: Discovery and exchange of interests and needs to provide the raw material for creation of options. Brainstorm: Create a list of options Collaborative Communication Model (CCM). ppt Evaluate options: Narrow down the list of options to a few ones that will meet their interests, that are do-able, durable, etc.

 • I've learned that people will forget • what you said, people will • I've learned that people will forget • what you said, people will forget • what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. • Maya Angelou

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