Chapter 5 Revising Your Writing Revising your

Chapter 5 Revising Your Writing

Revising your writing • • Choose the right words for your message. Write effective sentences. Develop logical paragraphs. Convey an appropriate tone. Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 2

Short, simple words “Big men use little words, and little men use big words. ” —Winston Churchill Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 3

Prefer short, simple words. Not: I have ascertained that our plant has commenced fabricating the indispensable circuits. But: I have learned that our plant has started making the needed circuits. Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 4

Denotations and connotations With a partner discuss the connotations of the bolded words. Then change each one to a word with a similar denotation but a different connotation. • The conference was uneventful. • Would you say Dorothy is quite confident? • The VP would be herself, but she’s busy. • I’ll have the ground beef sandwich. Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 5

Prefer specific language. Not: You were very late several times last year. But: You arrived for work at least 20 minutes late on the following dates last year. . . Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 6

Choosing specific words For each group of words, arrange the terms in order from least specific to most specific. • western seaport, place, San Diego, Pier 45 • sport, jump ball, activity, basketball, team sport • ignition failure, situation, problem, engine trouble, car problem • country, neighborhood, street, state, city Source: Adapted from: http: //english. ttu. edu/kairos/3. 1/news/paradigm/revifrms. htm, accessed 10/1/07. Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 7

Avoid dangling expressions. • Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. • I had been driving for about 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. • Two cars were reported stolen by the Groveton police yesterday. • “Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors. ” Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 8

Avoid clichés. Not: As per your request, every effort will be made to fix the problem. But: As you requested, we will try to fix the problem. Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 9

Avoid redundancies. Not: Hiram referred back to our earlier decision not to repeat that mistake again. But: Hiram referred to our earlier decision not to repeat that mistake. Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 10

Avoid wordy expressions. Not: Let me know as to whether or not we can start drilling in view of the fact that the problem has not been fixed at the present time. But: Let me know whether we can start drilling since the problem has not yet been fixed. Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 11

Avoid hidden verbs. • Not: We held a meeting to make the arrangements for her visit. • But: We met to arrange her visit. Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 12

Avoid hidden subjects. • Not: There is nothing we can do about the deadline. • But: We can do nothing about the deadline. Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 13

Simple sentences • John listened. • John and Lisa listened to the vice president’s presentation on cost-cutting methods and decided to try her suggestions some time during the upcoming quarter. Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 14

Compound sentences • I spoke and Ellie took notes. • Our customers asked for faster service, and we started same-day shipments. • Our customers asked for faster service; therefore, we started same-day shipments. Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 15

Complex sentences • When our customers asked for faster service, we started same-day shipments. • We started same-day shipments when our customers asked for faster service. Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 16

Sentence exercise Instructions • Try inverting each of the sentences on the next screen. • Come up with at least one variation for each. • When you have finished, compare your results with those of your classmates. • Is either sentence better in original order? • Does inversion ever change the meaning? Adapted from: http: //english. ttu. edu/kairos/3. 1/news/paradigm/revifrms. htm, accessed 10/1/07. Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 17

Sentence exercise 1. Some rain must fall into each life. 2. Money is the root of all evil. 3. A rolling stone gathers no moss. 4. The bottle was empty. 5. The night is tender. Source: Adapted from: http: //english. ttu. edu/kairos/3. 1/news/paradigm/revifrms. htm, accessed 10/1/07. Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 18

Active versus passive voice • Active: Jose interviewed the candidates. • Passive: The candidates were interviewed by Jose. Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 19

Active versus passive voice • Use active voice for most business writing: Marie evaluated the proposal and will make her decision tomorrow. Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 20

Active versus passive voice • Use passive voice to soften bad news or to indicate that the doer of the action is unimportant. The tuition-reimbursement plan will be discontinued on July 1. Lunch will be served in the Adams Room. Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 21

Parallel structure • noun • verb • phrase • verb • complete sentence Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 22

Unity and coherence • • Topic sentences Transitional words Pronouns Repetition Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 23

Paragraph unity and coherence Instructions • Read all of the sentences and delete the one that does not belong to the unified topic of the paragraph. • Rearrange the sentences in a logical order so that they flow appropriately. • Use transitions, repetition, and pronouns to "cement" this structure and make it seem natural. Source: Adapted from: http: //infohost. nmt. edu/~lwalsh/112 coherent. html, accessed 10/1/07. Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 24

Paragraph unity and coherence • It is only a matter of time before diseases like witches' broom and black pot rot endanger the global cocoa supply. • Increased international shipping has made it a very real possibility and the consequences of that would be close to catastrophic. • The only solution to the dwindling cocoa supply is for scientists from all the producing regions to collaborate and find ways to make cocoa trees more resistant. • Chocolate lovers beware: the seed of love, the cocoa bean, is threatened by disease. • The witches' broom, a deadly white fungus that deforms the trees, was responsible for almost destroying Brazil's cocoa crop in the early 1990 s. Source: Adapted from: http: //english. ttu. edu/kairos/3. 1/news/paradigm/revifrms. htm, accessed 10/1/07. Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 25

Answer • Chocolate lovers beware: the seed of love, the cocoa bean, is threatened by disease. • Increased international shipping has made this a very real possibility and the consequences could be close to catastrophic. • It is only a matter of time before diseases like witches' broom and black pot rot endanger the global cocoa supply. • The only solution to the dwindling cocoa supply is for scientists from all the producing regions to collaborate and find ways to make cocoa trees more resistant. Source: Adapted from: http: //english. ttu. edu/kairos/3. 1/news/paradigm/revifrms. htm, accessed 10/1/07. Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 26

Write confidently. Not: I trust this schedule change will satisfy your needs. But: This schedule change will enable you to remain at home each morning until your child leaves for school. Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 27

But not too confidently Not: I know you will like our new delivery schedule. But: Our new delivery schedule will assure sameday service for all of your clients. Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 28

Use a courteous and sincere tone. Not: You should read the instruction booklet to learn how to photocopy on both sides. But: As noted on page 4 of the instruction booklet, photocopying on both sides requires two steps. Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 29

Use a courteous and sincere tone. Not: You claimed that the order arrived three days late. But: Your order arrived late because of the airline strike. Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 30

Use a courteous and sincere tone. Not: Our No. 1 concern is to protect the environment when we build our addition at Morse Lake. But: We have taken three specific steps to protect the environment when we build our addition at Morse Lake. Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 31

Use a courteous and sincere tone. Not: I can’t believe you expect me to accept this offer. But: This offer would be more attractive if it included a six-month trial period. Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 32

Journal • Summarize the section on appropriate tone in a single word. • Then write a paragraph or two explaining why you chose this particular word to summarize the text. Source: Angelo, T. & Cross, K. P. , Classroom Assessment Techniques; Josey-Bass, San Francisco, 1993, p. 188 Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 33

Techniques of emphasis • • Short, simple sentences Major idea first (or last) Active voice More space Language that implies importance Repetition Mechanical means Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 34

Emphasis—Example A Dear Dad: $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 35

Emphasis—Example B Dear Son: I k. NOw that astro. NOmy, eco. NOmics, and ocea. NOgraphy are e. NOugh to keep even an ho. NOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of k. NOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study e. NOugh. Love, Dad Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 36

Positive language Not: We cannot replace your laser printer. But: We will be happy to repair your laser printer at no charge. Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 37

Stress the “you” attitude. Not: I liked your presentation at yesterday’s board meeting. But: Your presentation at yesterday’s board meeting was just great! Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 38

Stress the “you” attitude. Not: We are opening the new fitness center on May 1. But: You may begin working out in the new fitness center on May 1. er. Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 39

“You” attitude activity Revise these sentences to improve the “you” attitude. • I am offering you a special price on our service, effective only today. • Our restaurant will be serving breakfast from 6 a. m. to 10: 30 a. m. • Your warranty expired two weeks ago. • Did you forget to sign up for the training session? • I want you to summarize the changes in the new insurance program for the staff. Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 40

Answers • You will get 60 days of prime time TV for only $10. 95, if you act today. • You can order one of our chef’s specialty breakfasts from 6 a. m. to 10: 30 a. m. • Returns are happily granted when merchandise is returned within the warranty period. • To assure a smooth transition, the next training session will focus on questions you have about the new software system. • As you will be moving into the office manager’s position shortly, I would like you to summarize the changes in the new insurance program for the staff. Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 41

Use nondiscriminatory language. Not: When making the table arrangements for the president’s luncheon, be sure to seat Arlene Kelly next to Mr. Jameson, our new African-American salesman from Philadelphia. Also, remember that Mr. Little is confined to a wheelchair and should be seated on the main level. The other executives and their wives may be seated in any order. Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 42

Avoid gender bias. • • • Use neutral job titles. Avoid language that implies gender. Avoid demeaning or stereotypical terms. Use parallel language. Use appropriate personal titles and salutations. Avoid using he as a generic pronoun. Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 43

The Changing U. S. Workforce Source: Data from U. S. Department of Labor, Bureau of Labor Statistics, “Tomorrow’s jobs, ” Occupational Outlook Handbook, 2002 -2003 edition, http: //stats. bls. gobv. Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 44

The Changing U. S. Workforce (cont’d) Source: Data from U. S. Department of Labor, Bureau of Labor Statistics, “Tomorrow’s jobs, ” Occupational Outlook Handbook, 2002 -2003 edition, http: //stats. bls. gobv. Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. 5 | 45

Key terms • • active voice cliché complex sentence compound sentence dangling expression expletive mechanics nondiscriminatory language Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. • • • parallelism passive voice platitude receiver benefits redundancy simple sentence style tone “you” attitude 5 | 46