Bowen Family Systems Theory and Congregational Conflict Cean

Bowen Family Systems Theory and Congregational Conflict Cean R. James Associate Conference Minister of Congregational Development Pennsylvania Southeast Conference, UCC First Congregational United Church of Christ, De. Witt, IA 1

What is Conflict? • Jesus said anytime two or three of you gather together I will be in the midst. What he did not tell us is the reason he need to be there is because there will be conflict. • Anytime more than one person is involved in an activity there is going to be conflict. • Conflict refers to some form of friction, disagreement, or discord arising within a group when the beliefs or actions of one or more members of the group are either resisted by or unacceptable to one or more members of another group. • Michael Nicholson defines conflict as an activity which takes place when individuals or groups wish to carry out mutually inconsistent acts concerning their wants, needs or obligations. 2

What is Conflict? • “Conflict is a form of competitive behavior between people or groups under circumstances in which two or more people compete over perceived or actual incompatible goals or resources. ” • Disagreement is inevitable and unavoidable, conflict is not. What matters in the life on a congregation is how is conflict managed! 3

Six Categories of Conflict 1. Relational Conflicts 2. Identity Conflicts 3. Data Conflicts 4. Structural Conflicts 5. Values Conflicts 6. Interest Conflicts 4

Relational Conflicts How we treat one another. Highly emotional; touching people’s deepest feelings about themselves and others. Often mixed with other types of conflicts. 5

Identity Conflicts People are left feeling attacked, belittled or ignored. Dehumanizing of the other, often based on racial, ethnic, gender, sexual orientation or religious belief One’s place in the organization gets challenged, seniority and power issues emerge… 6

Data Conflicts There is disagreement about information, its relevancy, procedures used to gather or analyze it. e. g. When funding for a project or program is justified on certain data. Budget interpretation and relevancy is questioned. 7

Structural Conflicts about time (too little or too much) and/or organizational structure Turf battles are often structural conflicts. 8

Values Conflicts When one group tries to force its belief or value on another Core Values emerge. These are beliefs that give meaning to an individual or organization. They guide the decision making process. 9

Interest Conflicts A common form of conflict over actual or perceived incompatible needs or desires. Most are resolvable and can lead to innovation and creativity. 10

What matters in the life on a congregation is how is conflict managed! 11

Effects of mismanaged conflict on a congregation • Leadership burnout • The mission is lost and forgotten • Fractions are established, which cause a weakening of resources • Energy, creativity are sapped • Rampant mistrust • Growth is stifled 12

How conflict effects growth Several years ago, I (Thomas) began serving as interim pastor with a church that recently had forced their pastor to resign. During the first meeting with church leaders, I asked to see their numbers for the past several years. Needless to say, they were not good. Money. . . down, attendance. . . down, baptisms. . . you guessed it, down as well. One significant fact about this church is that they were located in the second-fastest-growing county in America. In the middle of a population explosion, they were in a terrible freefall. As I looked closer at the numbers, I noticed the chart did not go straight down. In fact, there were several high peaks over the years. After questioning one of the lay leaders about the reasons for the decline after the growth, he pointed to each and embarrassingly admitted that the growth stopped because of "fights. " He was even able to recall what the different "fights" were about. While these "fights" left emotional scars across the congregation, they also served as a deterrent. 13

How conflict effects growth • It is difficult to be a welcoming congregation during conflict. • Visitors can sense when a congregation is in conflict. • When mission is lost, people don’t really know who you are. • When the energy of leadership must be spent dealing with conflict, it is difficult to find time for visitor or community engagement. • The heart of conflict is selfish and self-serving (insular), which opposes everything designed for outreach. 14

Bowen Family Systems Theory • Bowen family systems theory was developed by psychiatrist and researcher Dr Murray Bowen (1913– 90) • Bowen was a US army physician during World War II who became interested in psychiatry after seeing the varying effects of trauma on soldiers. Bowen’s theory is invaluable for helping us to understand the variations in how different people manage similarly stressful circumstances. • He originally trained in Freud’s psychoanalysis but departed from this theory as he observed that human difficulties went beyond unresolved issues in the individual’s psyche and were, rather, embedded in each person’s family system — the focus of this book on relationship systems. • Bowen noticed patterns of managing anxiety in families that were similar to the instinctive ways other species dealt with threats in (or to) their herds and packs. Bowen saw our personal and relationship problems as coming from exaggerated responses to sensing a threat to family harmony and that of other groups. 15

Bowen Family Systems Theory • Family systems theory, was first applied to congregational life by Bowen’s student, Rabbi Edwin Friedman in his classic work Generation to Generation: Family Process in Church and Synagogue (Guilford Press, 1985. ) • Friedman helped us understand the complexity of emotional relationships by teaching that the basic unit of relationship is the triangle. As a couple relate to one another, or as a clergy relates to a congregation, there always other people, things and issues that influence those relationships. 16

Emotional Triangles • Triangles are formed by the interaction of any three people, groups or issues, and a similar diagram could represent the relationship between a congregation and its clergy, or even between each member of the congregation and the clergy. • Examples of the third points of the various triangles - the factors influencing their relationship - might be other people, various committees, worship, music, youth programming, a wedding and even the other congregations to which members once belonged. 17

Triangulation 18

Triangulation 19

Triangles and Anxiety • Friedman and Bowen taught that anxiety is a driving force in triangles, and that anxious people will try to draw in third parties, creating new triangles. • As new triangles are created, there at least two reasons clergy are frequent targets of these efforts. To begin with, while in some societies the primary role of clergy is to impose religious standards, North American clergy are most often seen in their pastoral role. People believe they are sympathetic, and expect their pastors and rabbis to take their sides. • In addition, clergy are thought to be moral authorities. It is expected that their support will have significant impact on the outcome of any issue or dispute. For these reasons, those involved in disputes will try to get their rabbis or ministers to take their sides. And clergy - inclined to be peacemakers - will jump in, hoping to resolve the disputes. In the words of an old song, fools rush in where angels fear to tread. 20

Triangles and Anxiety • Anxiety spreads. It is unfortunate, but not everyone will stay out of these triangles, and that causes anxiety to spread. • A Midwestern church decided to start an additional Sunday worship service with contemporary music. The usual 10: 00 a. m. service remained unchanged, but some members were bothered by the addition. They feared it would take too much of the pastor’s time, draw people away from the traditional service or change the nature of the congregation. As they brought others into their triangles, the tension grew. The church’s governing board had enthusiastically approved the new service, but now they became frightened and put the issue to a vote of the congregation. When the vote took place many of those present were inactive members who rarely came to worship. It was clear they did not care about the issue, but had been pushed to take sides by others. They had been forced into emotional triangles. 21

Avoiding Triangulation • What can be done. Since anxious people will try to draw others into their disputes, be mindful not to be triangulated. When you see a triangle forming, recognize it, identify it, and eliminate your side of the triangle. • Remember, in any triangle you can only work on relationships that you are part of. The task of leaders is not to give in to anxiety or to solve other people’s disputes, but to bring calm to the system. • Only by reducing the anxiety and making others responsible for their own behavior can you improve systemic health. Anxiety is contagious, and it is natural for leaders to feel it when others are upset. The leaders’ task is to regulate their own anxiety. • Leaders should work to be a Non-anxious Presence. As the anxiety is the system grows, the leader must do more than not buy into the anxiety, the leader must purposefully work to reduce the anxiety with their own behavior. 22

Self-differentiation • Self-differentiation is the understanding that we are all responsible for our own behavior, and that we are not responsible for the behavior of others. • It will be easier for leaders to regulate their anxiety if they know where others end and they begin; where they end and their congregations begin. You are leaders of the congregation, but you are not the congregation itself. You can only be responsible for your own behavior, and not for that of the committee, congregation, or even denomination. The failure of the congregation or its members is not your failure. • Maintain a sense of humor and be playful. The leaders’ anxiety will only add to the anxiety of others, and imply that there is a crisis. Non-reactive leadership will add calm to the system. Humor and affectionate playfulness can help defuse tension. 23

Self-differentiation • Focus on strengths and assets. Be confident of the future of the congregation. When others fear mass resignations or believe the congregation has lost its way, it is helpful to review the congregation’s assets. Listing the assets and talking about them - as well as encouraging others to list them - will put the forecasts of doom in their proper perspective. • Stay in touch. Leaders should listen to those who are upset, but they should not be reactive or defensive. They can listen sympathetically without agreeing, assigning blame or promising to correct perceived wrongs. Staying in touch is not always easy or pleasant. Sometimes those we need to be in touch with are the people our guts tell us to avoid. On the other hand, the contact is almost always easier than the anticipation of contact. 24

Self-differentiation • Stay on track. When the goals of the congregation have been established and the decisions have been made appropriately, the leaders should move toward those goals and the implementation of those decisions. Anxious people should not be allowed to derail the process, even when they threaten that “everyone is upset, ” or that “all the old members/major donors are leaving the congregation. ” Interpret received communications as you wish. You have the right, and can develop the skill to interpret any communication. You may decide if the person is angry or just having a bad day; if the anger is at you or just being expressed to you; if a question is a request for information or a hostile attack. With practice, this can become a very powerful tool. • Avoid secrets. Giving “secret information” to a leader is a way of sharing anxiety and bringing him into a triangle. If you sense this is happening, stop the other person immediately with a comment such as “Before you go on, you should know that if you tell me anything about Sally (the pastor or rabbi) I’ll feel compelled to tell her. She has the right to know what is being said. ” 25

Jesus taught about Triangulation 26

Our promises to the one(s) with whom we are in conflict: • We promise to address our conflict early. • We promise to respect one another. • We promise honest and direct communication. • We promise to listen actively with an open mind to the thoughts and ideas of others. • We promise to seek a common goal. • We promise to accept the direction of the church moderator to resolve our conflict when we are not able to do so ourselves. 27

Three Stages of Conflict and How We’ll Address Them… From First UCC, Dewitt IA 28

Stage One Conflict A high level of respect and trust still exists along with a willingness to work toward solutions. The conflict resolution process is limited to a few people or parties involved. 29

In Stage One Conflict, the parties agree to: 1. Talk directly to each other 2. Take a listening stance into the discussion 3. Use “I messages” that are clear and specific (I felt _____ when you ______ and it resulted in ________. ) 4. Talk it through and not avoid the big issue(s) 5. Identify mutually agreeable solutions (consensus or compromise) 6. Stay in touch (meet again one week later and repeat as often as deemed necessary) 7. Articulate the other person’s/group’s position 30

Stage Two Conflict A “we-they” attitude is present. The conflict has escalated to where “camps” have formed and the church’s core values of fellowship and community are being compromised. The use of a neutral third party is necessary. 3/19/2018 First Congregational United Church of Christ, De. Witt, IA 31

In Stage Two Conflict it is agreed that: 1. A neutral third party outlines the process. 2. One party explains the situation as they see it. 3. The other party explains the situation as they see it. 4. The parties agree on goals. 5. The parties explore and discuss all possible solutions. 6. The parties agree on what each will do to resolve the issue. 7. The parties will meet weekly for one month followed by quarterly meetings for one year to assure progress. 3/19/2018 First Congregational United Church of Christ, De. Witt, IA 32

Stage Three Conflict A “holy mission” has emerged to defeat or annihilate the other party. The conflict has escalated from “wanting to win” to “wanting to hurt” the other party. Core values of fellowship and community have plummeted and there may be talk of split in the church. 3/19/2018 First Congregational United Church of Christ, De. Witt, IA 33

If conflict should reach this unfortunate stage, it is critical to bring in a highly skilled outside mediator. The Church Moderator will consult with the Eastern Iowa Associate Conference Minister for assistance. Every attempt should be made to address conflict(s) early to try to prevent the divisiveness and enmity of a Stage Three Conflict! 3/19/2018 First Congregational United Church of Christ, De. Witt, IA 34

Restating our promises to the one(s) with whom we are in conflict: • We promise to address our conflict early. • We promise to respect one another. • We promise honest and direct communication. • We promise to listen actively with an open mind to the thoughts and ideas of others. • We promise to seek a common goal. • We promise to accept the direction of the church moderator to resolve our conflict when we are not able to do so ourselves. 3/19/2018 First Congregational United Church of Christ, De. Witt, IA 35

Documentation • Each participant in the conflict resolution process will be asked to sign an “Agreement to Participate in a Conflict Resolution Process” that addresses roles, confidentiality and behavior. • A “Letter of Understanding” will be prepared when the means to resolving the conflict have been determined. 36

Philippians 2: 3 -4 “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility regard others as better than yourselves. Let each of you look not to your own interests, but to the interests of others. ” 37

Philippians 2: 3 -4 1. Cultivate interdependence among members. Members, along with their leader there is must rediscover the lost art of joining. It must be acknowledged that everyone is a part of the system, that each member has chosen to participate in the life of the church and that this fact carries rights and responsibilities to every person. The leader is aware of emotional triangles and skilled in helping the most anxious members by being logical and clear and not taking on anxiety. The leader cultivates interdependence among members by maintaining awareness of the difference between leading the process and leading the people. This means to make decisions, engage the culture of the congregation, and clearly define self and one’s dreams for the church. It is less about making changes organizationally and more about making changes systemically (Stevens & Collins, 1993, p. 128). 38

Philippians 2: 3 -4 Avoid becoming triangled. The most dependent in a system are often wielding the most influence. De-triangling and self-differentiating turns the tables on this tendency because the leader is no longer trying to change his or her followers but concentrating or where he or she is going. The need of the followers to belong now shifts toward following rather than to control or claim the victim’s role. Their power has been diminished and they must make decisions and define themselves. Remaining free from unhealthy emotional triangles involves keeping relationships separate, equal and open (Bowen, 1978, p. 473). It is Family Systems and Congregations 12 understanding immaturity while not siding with it. Through the use of directness, conversations center on the relationship between two people and not on a nonpresent third party. It is the habit of asking oneself, “Do I primarily talk to people about my relationship with them directly or do I talk to people about my relationships with nonpresent others? ” 39

3. Define mission and direction clearly. Systems leaders are not sales-persons trying to get people to “buy in” to their ideas. Rather they remind the congregation of who they are and what they have mutually committed to and what the implications of these choices are. Systems leadership is not autonomous individuality nor is it subservient mollification. It is forward movement while connecting the subsystems to each other and to an overarching, mutually agreed-to vision of the future. It is seeing “into” the body to see correspondences and not just “at” it to see individual members and activities (Stevens &Collins, 1993, p. 130). 40

Sources “Resolving Conflict in Nonprofit Organizations” by Marion Peters Angelica. Published by the Amherst H. Wilder Foundation, 1999. “Guidelines for Addressing Conflict” by Roger Williams, UW Extension, Madison, WI “Conflict Management Policy for the Unitarian Society of Santa Barbara” http: //www. ussb. org/cmpolicy. html “On the Unity and Diversity of the Church: Living in Unity in a Time of Divisiveness, ” notes from a presentation by Dr. Rich Christiansen, Lakeland College, Oct. 25, 2005 41