2005 California State Employee Handbook by Arnold Schwarzenegger
SICK DAYS -- Ve vill no longer accept a doktor'sshtatementas proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doktor you , are able to come to verk.
PERSONAL DAYS -- Each employee vill receive 104 personal days a year. Dey are called Saturday and Sunday.
LUNCH BREAK -- Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so dey can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, becausedat's all der time needed to drink der Shlim Fast.
DRESS CODE--It is advised that you come to verk dressed according to your salary. If ve see you vearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, assume ve you are doingvell financially andderefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so dat you may buy nicer clothes anddereforeyou do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right vere you need to be and dereforeyou do not need a raise.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE -- Dis is no excuse for missingverk. Dere is nottingyou can do for dead friends, relatives or coverkers. Every effort should be made to have nonemployees attend to arranchments In da. rare case vere employee involvement is necessary, da funeral should be scheduled late in da afternoon. Ve vill be glad to allow you to verk troo your lunch hour and subsequently leave vone hour early.
RESTROOM USE--Entirely too much time is being spent in restroom. Dere da is now a shtricht 3 -minute time limit in der shtalls. At der end of tree minutes, an alarm vill sound, der toilet paper roll vill retract, the shtall door will open and a picturevill be taken. Af ter your second offense, your picture be vill posted onder office bulletin board under da "Chronic Offenders" category.
Tank you for your loyalty to our great shtate Ve are here to provide. a positive employee experience.
Tank you, DER GOVERNATOR
Now get to verk!
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